Nightmares
by CloudedWater
Summary: Plagued and tortured by nightmares, Samantha Shepard seeks to finally confront her demons but her source of comfort is not what one would expect and neither are the feelings that arise from it.
1. NightMares

N7 training had prepared her to deal with the perfectly normal response of panic that every species had to fight against. The fear and anxiety that it promoted could absolutely cripple a person during a crucial moment. Yet at that very same time, it could be used as an advantage. As she had witnessed so many times, in both herself and others, Shepard saw how the fight or flight response aided those in trouble. From dilated pupils which help to see better in the dark, to the brain processing information faster as to think of a possible escape or the pure adrenaline coursing through one's veins. Shepard considered herself a master as she was expected to be, but as she stared around the destroyed CIC the fear she had been trained to fight against reared its ugly head. It gripped over her heart like a vice and refused to let go. It was happening again wasn't it? She was losing everything in a matter of seconds.

The Normandy SR-2 groaned metallically; a sign that it was on its last legs. How ironic that it would meet the same end as its predecessor. Like her ship, her crew mates had accepted their fate. They knew the risks of such a mission and yet Shepard couldn't help but feel responsible for all of them. They were not her original crew and nothing could replace that, but they had taken up a place all their own in her heart. A place that was now becoming so empty. Yet of all her new bonds and feelings of camaraderie; It was Miranda's that she found the thought of losing that terrified her the most. The formerly cold distant and calculating XO had somehow become what she'd consider to be her best friend. A role that no one had ever really filled before. There was Ashley who'd come close but after the outburst on Horizon, Shepard found that she could barely stand the thought of the woman. Whether it was out of spite or guilt she wasn't sure.

The ship shook hard again; so much that It caused for the entire crew to tumble to the floor. As each member struggled to their feet a disembodied voice filled the cic.

"Guess we're gonna get spaced, Captain." Joker said as he too finally accepted the inevitable, but even in the face of death the man would not let his good humor leave him. Shepard said nothing in response while she trembled like a leaf in the wind. No, no she had to stop this! Her training expected nothing short of perfection.

Without warning the ship groaned and rattled once more; causing an already lose metal beam that was above the commander's head to plummet towards her. Everything slowed to a crawl around the commander as she looked up. She could see the beam falling yet for some reason couldn't move fast enough.

"Shepard!" The voice quickly brought her out of her haze and was accompanied by a strong shove. Shepard yelled as her back hit the floor and green eyes blinked rapidly to clear her head. What she found when she rose again scared her more than Akuze and was damn near just as heart wrenching as Mindior. Her XO had saved her at the cost of her own life. Shepard finally found her voice and let out an almost primal cry before scrambling over to her second in command.

"Miranda!" Shepard desperately tried to raise the beam on her own but she couldn't. Why wasn't her crew helping her? She glanced up to see all of them gone, like they had vanished into thin air. She looked back down at her XO who now started to cough up crimson fluid.

"You idiot!" Shepard screamed as she kneeled before the XO as she placed her palm onto her cheek to give her some comfort before she passed from this world. Tears couldn't be fought back anymore and the commander let them go.

"Funny….I've…" Miranda coughed again and fought to breath as the beam crushed her fame.

"Save your strength," Shepard said as she leaned closer to the woman. She knew it was far too late for her XO but her mind would not accept it, couldn't even begin processing it.

Another metallic screech could be heard before the hull was literally torn apart, exposing the interior of the ship to the harsh unforgiving vacuum of space. She looked back to Miranda to find that she was gone and Shepard found that her will to live, her undying need to fight through the pain had vanished.

Her body was then sucked out of the shattered and destroyed Normandy and she could only watch as she drifted further and further away from her XO. She tried to scream but her lungs were crushed and the last thing she saw before death could whisk her away was the rest of her ship exploding over the horizon of some unknown planet.

Screaming echoed through her cabin and she quickly realized it was her own. It had been her third nightmare that week and they weren't letting up. Her heart pounded against her chest and sweat ran down her body completely soaking the sheets. Although her mind had confirmed that it was merely a dream, her gut wouldn't let it rest.

"EDI! Status report!" blinking and dilated eyes scanned the room looking for any kind of threat, of any danger that could present itself and take advantage of her vulnerable form. Her eyes landed on the soft blue glow of the fish tank as it was the only source of light in the room.

"Everything is fine, Shepard" EDI's voice spoke and if the commander didn't know any better she would of sworn that the unshackled AI said that with a hint of concern. They had yet to see what would become of the AI, but Shepard trusted it fully.

Shepard collapsed back into her bed staring upwards as her long red hair fanned across the pillow. Would these nightmares ever leave her alone? She knew that the answer was no despite how many therapist and doctors told her the opposite. Of course their only job had been to declare if she was mentally fit for duty and they weren't about to ground their top marine. She's come long ago to accept that she was merely a tool but there were times where it got to her.

"However Ms. Lawson and Dr. Chakwas will arrive shortly."

Shepard rose again and swung her long legs over the side of the bed. Cool air rushed over her form and chilled her. If she was going to wake up like this every night then she would certainly consider wearing more than just boxers and a sports bra to bed.

"Why Edi?" she glanced up as if to see the AI

"I monitor your vital signs Shepard as it is a part of my programming and the results are directly fed to Ms. Lawson who I alerted."

"But I have nightmares all the time, EDI." She smoothed back her long fiery mane.

"True, but you were pushing into the red zone commander and I fear that if you hadn't of woken up then you would of gone into cardiac arrest."

Shepard grunted and rubbed at her chest which had slowed down but was still pounding. She survived everything from Mindior to Akuze only to be nearly taken out by a dream. She couldn't help but laugh morbidly.

"Thank you EDI" She nodded.

"Logging you out, Shepard"

Ten minutes earlier

While her genetic modifications made it where she didn't required much sleep, she was no machine. The XO slept soundly surrounded by scattered data pads. She took her work seriously but her rational mind sometimes had to wonder why. Perhaps she did it out of habit or a way to keep her mind off things. She wasn't sure of which. She had cut her allegiance and ties to Cerberus after the defeat of the collectors and didn't look back. She was disgusted when she learned that the man she admired so much became so ambitious so blinded that he wanted to use a place where hundreds of thousands lost their lives. Human welfare was at the top of her priorities but she wasn't about to compromise those ideals and neither was her Commander.

The nod of approval that she was given at the decision to cut off the illusive man's transmission was a bonus to the XO. She resented Shepard in the beginning; loathing how she had the illusive man's full attention and not her but over the months they were together she began to see the full personality of the woman she put back together. She was bold, fierce and determined yet somehow managed to bring in compassion without it causing question to her ability to lead. She was drawn to the commander like a month to a flame; even more so after she agreed to rescue her sister without hesitation. She would follow the commander anywhere, even if it meant the depths of hell.

She was known as the ice queen. The frigid woman who regarded everyone as a mere means to an end. However spending more time around Shepard proved to melt the icy exterior like the warming sun to the polar ice caps. What was once harmless admiration turned to love and Miranda knew she was trapped.

"Ms. Lawson?" Edi's voice filled the room

"Yes, Edi?" She might of required sleep but she was no deeper sleeper.

"it would appear that Shepard is having another nightmare and her vital signs are pushing into the red zone. I fear she will go into cardiac arrest."

Before Miranda even realized it; she was on her feet and moving towards the door. She had been through this before when she was putting Shepard back together for those two years but her motivation had been far different from what it was now. She shuttered at the thought that at one point in time all her commander had been to her was a project.

"Dr. Chakwas will meet you at the elevator." Miranda simply nodded.

"Can't this blasted thing go any faster?" Miranda paced the short length of the elevator as anxiety flooded her senses. Of all the upgrades the Normandy received why on earth was the elevator still ungodly slow? She made a mental note to herself to have the thing upgraded. Dr. Chakwas who stood beside her glanced at the second in command. She had noticed the subtle changes Miranda developed towards the commander but couldn't quite put her finger on what she thought it was.

"She has survived worse than this, Miranda" She tried to reassure the raven haired woman by placing her hand on her shoulder. The gesture failed to ease the worries of the woman.

"it would appear that Shepard has awoken and her vital signs have returned to normal. I would however still advise that you check up on her as a precaution." The holographic representing edi came to life in the elevator.

Both women breathed a sigh of relief.

"if here was only a way to rid her of these dreams ." The doctor shook her head. Miranda could only nod in agreement as the elevator opened and they made their way into Shepard's quarters. She could have taken them away at the time of Shepard's resurrection, conveniently blocked out those memories so she wouldn't be so tortured by them. But would she be the woman she cared about today if she had of? Somehow Miranda doubted that.

When the doors opened revealing the exhausted commander, Miranda had to fight every instinct, every urge to run to her commander. Seeing the vanguard of humanity so broken and defenseless made her protective side flare to life. Yet she stood just inside the doors, regarding her commander with the cool and calm exterior she was known for.

Dr. Chakwas had no such qualms about appearing anything but caring and made her way over to the commander.

"Are you alright, Shepard?" She questioned while placing her hand behind the commander rubbing her back gently. Miranda wished that she could give the commander such a gesture without the alarms being raised.

"I'm alright; it was just a bad dream." The commander shook her head and took a deep breath finally calming herself.

"You have a lot of those, Commander" The XO found her footing and walked towards the two of them.

"Jeez, Miranda. I help you with your sister, save your ass from falling and you still insist on calling me Commander? What am I going to with you?" She laughed playfully. Dr. Chakwas thought it was strange that the commander would allow a first name basis between her and the XO but thought little of it.

"I guess we are, Samantha. Sorry force of habit." Miranda smiled. She was the only person in her life that could get under her skin without the urge to crush them in a biotic field.

"I want you to take these," Dr. Chakwas handed her two blue pills. "They are sedatives and will help you get to sleep. Not offense commander but you look like hell."

"HA! None taken." Samantha placed the pills onto her nightstand.

The doctor patted her on the back before standing and making her way towards the door.

"If you need anything else, Commander please do not hesitate to call me." She walked past Miranda and back towards the elevator. Miranda however lingered as she was convinced that the commander was night alright and like she did so often hid it from the world. Unfortunately Miranda could see it as clear as day. Something also told her that the commander wasn't going to take her medicine. The woman was so damn stubborn.

"Miranda." Shepard spoke softly as she stared down at her desk.

"I said I was ok, you can go back to bed now or…whatever it was that you were doing." She prodded the pills around on her nightstand not wanting to take them but knowing she would have to.

"You would say that if your arms were hanging off." Miranda crossed her arms and it was true. Samantha played fast and loose when it came to her own safety and well being. She didn't like her team being worried about her so she played everything off as a simple flesh wound or a minor concern.

"I would wouldn't I?" Shepard chuckled and rubbed her now sore chest. Humor was a good way to ease the situation but overtime she noticed that it wasn't working with Miranda anymore. Maybe she was able to see through the act now. Miranda made her way to the couch, to give Shepard space but still be close enough for her presence to be comforting.

"These dreams…nightmares are getting out of control, Samantha." With the doctor gone she couldn't help but drop her guard a little. Shepard whether she wanted to admit it or not needed her to.

"I've had nightmares every since I was a kid, Miranda. It's just a fact of life for me" She rose from the bed and glanced at the pills given to her. She was no fan of medicine and preferred working though her problems but if Chakwas found out she hadn't taken them during her check up she'd never hear the end of it.

"I am aware of that, Samantha but it's time for them to be.." She couldn't find the proper term as each one that game to mind simply seemed so heartless.

"Eradicated?" The commander finished for her.

"Perhaps." The XO didn't agree with that word either.

"You can't just get rid of this sort of stuff, Miranda. It becomes a part of you. I'm damaged goods and I've accepted that." She nervously rubbed the back of her head. She felt so vulnerable and weak not to mention stupid for such dreams. Oh how she wished she had Liara to next to her during those nights.

"Like hell you are Samantha!" Like prey cornered by a powerful predator she looked up to Miranda wide eyed and surprised at her outburst.

"You saved the citadel, the council, stopped Saren and you took a team into the omega 4 relay and not only survived but made sure everyone else did too. The reapers are indeed coming Samantha but if you don't take the time to confront your demons then they have already won!" She had never seen Miranda so passionate about anything, bar saving her sister.

Samantha looked down while balling her fists and she was shaking with anger. How dare this woman just demand that she simply get over things? Was she worried that her project not being perfect would somehow reflect on her?

As if reading her mind Miranda went into to placate the situation.

"Samantha I'm not saying this because the galaxy needs you, I'm not saying this because you're supposed to be the great Commander Shepard. I'm saying this because don't you think you deserve some peace too?" And just like that her anger was deflated. Miranda wasn't out to harm her, she had to remember that.

Her shoulders slumped.

"I'm sorry Miranda, you don't deserve my anger, this….is just so hard to deal with" She snatched the pills off the night stand and swallowed them whole. She hoped that in her already weaken state they would knock her out within the hour. She always did have a good resistance against drugs.

"Perhaps we could set a course for Halgaz, Liara could help…." Saying the asari's name made her stomach turn in jealousy. She put the commander through hell back on illium and even if she explained why she had later it still wasn't fair that she held the commander's heart. She could however put her jealousy aside if it would help the woman.

"No…that's not necessary, besides she's acting as the shadow broker now. I don't want her attention divided from that over a little girl's nightmare" Shepard sat at her desk, staring at the picture of the woman that eased her mind so much.

_I would if you let me…._

"I don't think I will be much company once these pills kick in" She spun around in her chair to face the XO

"I plan on staying until you fall asleep" Her protective side was in full swing but luckily she was able to hide it under the façade of concern.

"If I do or say something weird in my sleep then that's your own fault" she laughed and Miranda simply smiled while crossing her legs and picking up a data disk, linking it to her own back in her office.

A while later before Miranda looked up from her pad. Shepard was fighting sleep at her desk. Apparently her ability to resist drugs was grossly overestimated. She was adorable and if it wasn't for the fact that the so obviously needed sleep she would of let her linger there

"Shepard…bed…now…" she said in a no nonsense tone.

"Yes mom…" the commander pushed away from her desk and made her way over to bed where she climbed under the covers.

"I'll be taking care of you later, Miranda." The XO could feel the blush rising to her cheeks and she quickly covered it with her data pad but she knew the commander didn't mean it that way unfortunately.

"How do you figure?" She smirked.

"I'm not the one running into other people's quarters completely barefooted on cold floors" When the sentence left her mouth sleep claimed her and she was out like a blown fuse.

Wide eyed Miranda looked down and indeed did notice her feet bare. She cursed to herself, but she was in a hurry no? This could be excused.

She stayed a bit longer until she was sure that the commander was in a deep sleep. She walked over to the bed and gently moved a piece of stray hair out of her face.

"If only you would let someone take care of you for a change." And with that she left the room before taking one last look at her commander before the doors closed.

Miranda made her way back to the elevator and this time the long ride was more of a comfort as she collected herself. She was slipping badly; it wouldn't be long before the crew was able to guess how she felt about the woman.

"Maybe I should just tell her how I feel already, get this out of the way. We're both adults aren't we?"

She shook her head as she walked out of the elevator and made her way to her own quarters.

"No I can't do that…I won't put Shepard in such position. Besides we know who she would choose "She felt her heart break at the comment. She looked at her bed and climbed into it. She was more tired than she realized.

Miranda wasn't use to sleeping so much. So when she awoke the next morning she was groggy and her first thought was coffee. It was strange how she had never actually drunk the stuff before meeting Shepard but being around the commander who needed the stuff before she could form her first words in the morning somehow engrained itself onto her.

"Ms. Lawson."

"Yes EDI?"

"Shepard has requested your presence in her quarters and she advises you to get coffee to wake up faster."

"Did she say what she wanted EDI?" This was odd coming from the commander. She'd never requested her presence before at least not into her own quarters.

"No but she asked that come as soon as possible."

"Thank you EDI"

"Logging you out, Lawson"

Miranda stretched and yawned before gathering her normal clothes and brushing back her hair. She was the epitome of beauty and drew the attention of all males everywhere. If only the commander would look at her in such away. The door hissed open as she made her way to the cafeteria. Luckily there were only a few there already; the advantage of being such an early riser meant that she got first dibs. She simply nodded to those who were there and brewed her coffee.

_What could she want with me?_

Miranda waited for the elevator to reach the top floor and once again it proved to be such an annoyance. She was eager to find out just what the commander wanted. The ride finally ended and made her way through the doors to find the commander busy at her desk before looking up.

"Good Morning Miranda" Gone was the playful mood that the commander normally was in and it worried the XO.

"Good morning Samantha….EDI said that you requested me?"

"I did." again pushed back from her desk. She looked a lot more collected and formal now that she was well rested but something still clawed at her.

"For?" Miranda asked and her way to the couch.

"Last night you said that I needed to face my demons and you're right I do. If I am going to be any kind of defense for earth no…the galaxy then I do need to have peace."

She was finally coming to her senses and listening but something was off.

"Then why request me commander? Shouldn't this be the job of the yeomen or better yet Liara?"

Samantha sipped at her own coffee and shook her head.

"Kelly…well there is no way in hell. She still looks at me like she wants to jump my bones and I'd rather not possibly send the wrong signals. Liara…I love her but even though her heart is in the right place she would simply insist that I meld with her and…." She grunted.

"I need to talk about this" She looked up at Miranda, eyes begging for understanding

Miranda felt her heart skip a beat at the thought of her commander bypassing Kelly and even her lover to speak with her and her alone.

"I just don't know where to begin" She looked completely lost.

"The beginning is always a good start Samantha" oh god what she wouldn't give to be able to pull this woman into her arms and tell her that everything would be ok.

The fact that this creature of war was before her, alive and well was nothing short a miracle. She had already known about her past from countless extranet articles as well as hacked files from the alliance but hearing them from her point of view was horrifying. From losing her entire family on Mindoir to being the sole survivor on Akuze.

"I have bottled up shit for so long, Miranda, but people need me to! I am the Great Commander Shepard after all!" she threw her hands up and even though she fully believed in her own comment, she couldn't help but lace it with venom and resentment. She got up and paced about the room while Miranda simply watched her.

"I want to be me for a while! Just ordinarily Samantha Shepard with no galaxy depending on her to make everything ok" She sighed and leaned over her desk letting it take her full weight. Miranda could no longer idly stand by as she rose from the couch. She wanted to physically comfort Samantha and could no longer fight that urge.

"I mean is that too much to…..Miranda?" her voice hitched as she felt hands circle around her waist and pull her backwards. The sensation was oddly comforting and she couldn't resist if she wanted to. The XO made circles on her abdomen to soothe and calm her and without warning Sheppard found she grunting softly in delight. Miranda's mind screamed at her that she was completely out of line but surely she only wanted to comfort her commander….right?

The XO took a deep breath, inhaling Shepard's scent before nuzzling into the crook of her neck. She smelled like cinnamon with a hint of smoke. A strange combination but she could hardly care as this is what made up the woman she cared for so much.

"How about you let someone take care of you for a change?" Samantha leaned back into the embrace, eager to accept her comfort; the heat of the moment lowering any moral walls or inhibitions that she had in place.

"You are more than my commander…." She felt something moist and soft press against the side of her neck. All restraint had left Miranda and she became bolder which surprised even her considering the new territory she was now in. An almost painful throbbing reverberated down Miranda's spine into her loins. She wanted this woman mentally and physically.

"I love you Shepard…." She had said the worlds so many times in her own mind but now to hear them come from her own lips frightened her.

Clarity suddenly hit Shepard as she remembered the same words being spoken to her the first night her and Liara were together. She went completely stiff in the XO's embrace and it didn't go unnoticed.

"Shepard…?

"I can't do this Miranda…"

"I know…" Jealousy flared once more but it was quickly over powered by hurt and disappointment. Damnit! Why had she let herself go in the heat of the moment? Why did she let her emotions get the best of her? She pulled away from the commander, unshed tears threatening to fall down her face as she made her way towards the door.

"Miranda…" Shepard turned to her

"I'm sorry Commander….I should know my place." She didn't stop and continued out the door allowing it to shut behind her.

"FUCK!" She had no idea that at Miranda's feelings went beyond friendship. She had softened up considerably after she had helped rescue her sister but again she had not considered that her XO was in love with her. However she had to admit she too felt something for the Woman, but she loved Liara. She couldn't hurt her but neither could she hurt Miranda.

"I need a drink….EDI!"

"Yes commander"

"Tell Joker to set a course for omega. I want to get drunk until I can't remember my own name."

"Yes Commander?" EDI's presence left the room

"How am I going to make this right?" She shook her head and walked over to her bed before she collapsed on it. Omega was a few hours out. She might as well get some rest before a night of drinking


	2. Of drinks a turian brothers

Omega was a haven for criminals, terrorists and various other slimes for thousands of years. The arms of omega welcomed them without question, without prejudice and that is why it drew so many people in. Garrus Vakarian was no stranger to the seedy underbelly that was omega. His stint as "Archangel" allowed him to know firsthand how the place operated. It was something he would of never imagined seeing outside especially when he was surrounded by rules, red tape and protocols from C-sec. He shuddered as he thought of his past and just how naive he had been, but now that was behind him. The music of the lower half of Afterlife pounded against his ears, but after being around it for so long he found that he could tune it out. The tuarian became lost in his thoughts while waiting for Shepard to explain why they were here. She'd literally dragged him out to omega insisting that they drink the night away. He was no stranger to drinking and neither was Shepard but the way she threw back drink after drink he knew something was up.

The Tuarian could only shake his head; it was a miracle that this woman hadn't passed out just yet. He had seen krogans drink less and pass out yet here was Shepard who drunk all of them under the table and only wanted more. Shepard grunted as the warm liquid burned the back of her throat and like Garrus; the bartender wondered just how much more she could take. The drell began pouring another drink for the commander and she greedily snatched it up, drowning it like she had the others.

"Shepard?" Garrus could no longer take the silence between them. He'd decided at first to give the commander space but this was going nowhere fast.

"Yeah?" She cleared her throat without even turning the taurian's way as an asari dancer managed to get her attention. She smiled but guilt came crashing down when it reminded her of her lover. She grew wide eyed and faced Garrus. The taurian then knew exactly what was wrong or at least came to an educated guess.

"We're pretty much siblings aren't we, Shepard? I mean we faced Saren together and overcame impossible odds, something came out of that no?" Garrus took a trip down memory lane remembering their adventures together. He couldn't remember anything more exciting, but by god if Shepard ever tried to jump through a conduit again with the mako he would make sure to space her himself. Shepard did consider him to be like a brother to her. The same applied to Tali, albeit a sister of course. The only reason she wasn't here along with them was because Shepard knew she couldn't hold her liquor if her life depended on it.

"Clearly I was adopted because you are uglier than sin." She deadpanned before laughing loudly and pushed her drink forward for another refill.

"Shepard…" He warned playfully, but couldn't help laugh himself. The smile however disappeared and he became curious once more to find out just what was wrong with the commander.

"I'm Sorry Garrus, I just needed a place to think and company who I knew wouldn't judge me and let me pull my thoughts in." She stared down at her newly refilled drink.

"Thinking equal drinking, Shepard? Only with you." He laughed and patted her on the back. "Now are you going to tell your big brother what's up?" He pushed his own dwindling drink forward towards the bartender.

"Wasn't I the one who save your ass from a life of paperwork back at C-sec? Clearly that means I am the older sibling." Garrus laughed and shook his head.

"Out with it Sheppard…

"Fine…It's about Miranda, she uh…" The commander paused wondering how she could deliver such news without it being such a shock. She quickly came to the conclusion that there was no easy way around this.

"She said she was in love with me." The commander turned away unable to meet what she'd imagine to be shock and confusion. Garrus had made the mistake of drinking while receiving such news. When the words clicked in his head he coughed spewing his drink everywhere.

"SHE WHAT!" Garrus stared at the human like she grew another head.

"I know! I mean one minute I was confiding in her about my nightmares and past. Then the next thing I know she is behind me, kissing my neck and telling me she loves me!" Shepard shuddered at the feelings of lust that attacked her when it happened. She didn't know what was more shocking; the fact that her XO cared about her in that way of the face that she found herself wanting to let Miranda do as she wished to her. She stared down at her drink and sighed as she became uninterested in it. She could no longer ignore what happened between the two of them and it was sobering. Not that she was particularly drunk anyway. Her cybernetics made sure to burn away the alcohol before it could really take effect and even when it didn't; she usually sobered up fast.

"Fucking cybernetics…" She growled to herself.

"Did you two…" Garrus trailed off implying the obvious.

"No no! I told her that I couldn't! That I cared about Liara." She panicked and looked at Garrus, she needed to be understood.

"Then you obviously care about Liara." Garrus sipped at his drink while looking over the rim at the distraught commander.

"Since we've been here I've done nothing but think about Miranda. If it had of been any other woman especially Kelly, I'm more than confident I would of shoved her off. Yet with Miranda the thought of doing that is painful." Garrus sat his drink aside for a moment and pondered to himself.

"Perhaps what you are feeling for Miranda is gratitude. I mean she managed to put you back together and all, don't sit there and confuse that for feelings." Miranda admitting that she loved the commander sucker punched him as well but he couldn't imagine the feeling was anything like how Shepard felt.

"I'm not…when we were on the collector home world, I nearly lost her. The platforms beneath us fell and…" Shepard trailed off as the memory of that day replayed in her head. She would have been desperate to save any crew member in the same situation but thought of losing Miranda hit hard.

"It was almost like getting spaced again." She concluded.

The taurian nodded.

"I mean part of me wants to return how she feels which only means that I too must feel something, but I can't put my future with Liara in jeopardy." Shepard pulled out her omnitool and waved it, paying the drell for their drinks. Garrus knew that was a sign to leave.

The walk back to the Normandy was all too short for the commander. As the both of them stood in the decontamination chamber, Garrus turned to Shepard feeling the need to give her –some- advice.

"I think that you should sleep on this and see how you feel in the morning. This was obviously a huge shock and I doubt you've really processed it yet." The decontamination was finished and the two of them made their way down to the mess hall.

"Yeah but I've definitely got to talk to Miranda." She cringed along with Garrus.

"I think I'd rather face down the reapers alone." Garrus said. Miranda didn't get her nick name of "ice queen" for nothing. "Anyway Shepard, I should be heading off now, calibrations and such." Shepard smiled and patted him on the back before he left. As she stood there alone she could only stare door that separated her and the XO. She'd faced worse but she fear nearly rooted her to the floor.

"Better now than ever."

Miranda had in vain, thrown herself into paperwork hoping to steer her thoughts away from the commander. How could she have thrown herself at Shepard like that; knowing that the woman was in a vulnerable position and yet she still took advantage of it? So lost in her own thoughts she failed to notice the doors to her quarters opening and she visibly stiffened when she realized who it was. Wasn't Shepard supposed to be out drinking with Garrus?

"Miranda?" The commander's voice took on a pleading tone and she lowered her head in submission. She didn't want to be perceived as some kind of threat.

"Yes , Shepard?" Once Miranda had gotten over her initial shock she let the armor of control cage her again.

"About earlier…" Shepard trailed off not sure what to say.

"Already forgotten, Commander." Miranda only glanced at the commander for a split second before giving her full attention back to her work.

"…What?" Shepard wasn't sure of the reaction she was expecting but she knew that wasn't it.

"It was a stupid mistake, Commander. I simply lost myself in the heat of the moment and I assure you that it will not happen again. Now as you can see I am quite busy with work."

_Of course she enters back into that cold shell._

"Busy with what? We don't answer to anyone any more, none of this is necessary." The commander leaned against the door way, daring her XO to challenge her. She'd had enough experience to know when someone was using something to deflect something else.

"Well someone needs to keep up with things around here! We know you won't as you're far too busy gallivanting all over omega with your buddy Garrus!" She was losing her temper at Shepard's persistence. Couldn't she realize that this was torture to her?

"I needed a drink so sue me! Besides the best I can get is buzzed anyway." She cursed her cybernetics again.

"Shepard I already said that this is over and-"The commander cut her off and stormed over to her where she sat, slamming her hands onto the hard wood of the desk.

"This!" She made motions between the two of them. "…Deserves more than avoidance! So stop acting like a spoiled five year old brat and talk to me!" She glared at her commander as a last act of defiance and then she finally relented.

and then she finally relented.

"Fine…" She licked her suddenly dry lips and let go a deep breath. Her heart racing a mile a minute at what she was about to confess.

"I don't know when, and I can barely figure out why, but I've fallen in love with you, Samantha. I spent two years of my life putting you back together and then you were only a subject to me, but seeing you in action I could tell that your reputation was well deserved. However…" She paused for a moment and looked away unable to meet her commander's gaze.

"No reports could ever begin to show what kind of person you are. You instill faith, confidence and courage in all of those around you. Your capacity for kindness is remarkable, especially given your past. You even helped a batarian for goodness sake and we both know why you shouldn't of. You're a strong capable leader but a compassionate one or else you wouldn't have helped everyone with their own problems. Now that I think about it, I know when you became more to me than just my commander. It was when you encouraged me to talk to my sister."

Shepard was floored and wouldn't of noticed an attack if it literally bit her in the rear. She wasn't expecting this sort of revelation from XO and it both humbled and intrigued her

"But I know you are with Liara." Again the name made her blood boil in jealousy. "And I'm not trying to change that despite my earlier actions."

Shepard slowly nodded.

"So can we please drop this and pretend that it never happened?" She felt like she had been punched in the gut, but why? This is what she wanted, no?; for Miranda to understand her place beside Liara, but to simply sweep something like this under the rug felt so wrong. However she agreed to what she wanted, it was the least she could do.

"No commander it's what I need. Far from what I want." Shepard nodded understanding the hidden meaning

"Goodnight, Miranda" The doors closed leaving the XO alone

"Goodnight, Samantha." she said in a hush whisper

Defeated, Shepard made the agonizing walk back to her quarters and barely acknowledged her crewmates on the way there. Her wish to be alone on the elevator was granted as it slid open and she slipped inside.

"Commander." Joker's voice cut thought her thoughts.

"What is it Joker?" She crossed her arms.

"We have a transmission from Halgaz; it's your blue girlfriend."

"Patch her though and make sure that the connection is encrypted." She had to make sure that no one could possibly listen, even though she knew liara would be using the same precaution.

"Shepard, what do you take me for?"

"A guy who forgets to send porn to his ear piece and instead broadcasts it all over the damn ship?" She smirked as she could feel his embarrassment.

"Touché Commander, Touché…"

Shepard stepped off the elevator and into her quarters. Before sitting down at her terminal she stripped herself of her armor and into her casual wear. While she wasn't looking for trouble in omega, one could never be sure. She sat down pressing a few buttons before Liara's image popped up on the screen.

"My love." Liara smiled while looking at her commander on the other side of the connection.

"Hello beautiful." Shepard smiled slightly and traced the outline of her image on the screen, but strangely enough the asari didn't bring her complete relief or comfort.

"It's been a week since our last transmission, Samantha. " Her doe like eyes pierced into the commander.

"I am sorry, Liara. I have just been letting you work; you are the new shadow broker now." She nodded to herself.

"I might be the new shadow broker, my love but I'd give up this place for you in a heartbeat, do I make myself clear?" Liara said it in a sweet docile tone but Shepard knew better; she knew it was meant with authority. She could only nod.

"And what have you been doing Shepard? I mean besides drinking a krogan under the table in omega?" Shepard's jaw dropped as she tilted her head. "See! I told you, you were going to become an old creepy recluse that knows everything!" The commander laughed and then sighed lowering her shoulders. She felt so guilty but for what exactly she wasn't sure.

"This isn't right." Shepard turned away from the terminal.

"What isn't right? What's wrong?" Liara's eyes widened in alarm.

"Something happened between me and Miranda today. She admitted she had feelings for me. Well…" Shepard took a deep breath to calm and mentally still herself. "She did more than that" Shepard hope that she wouldn't have to go into specifics and Liara would just understand. The asari could feel her heart shatter as her bondmate admitted this to her. They were supposed to live happily ever after, baring reapers of course.

_It is only fitting after what you did to her on Illium…._A voice inside her head added.

Liara looked down at her desk, unshed tears forming, but no she would not let them fall just yet

"Did you two…" For the second time that night she was asked that. It made her skin crawl.

"No! I stopped her, I told her that I couldn't, that I was with you!"

Quietness engulfed the room and the tension between the two of them grew with each passing second.

"I blame myself for this." Liara finally spoke.

"What? How is it your fault LI?"

"When we first saw each other on illum, I shut you out Samantha. I used you like you were a common hired mercenary while I was so focused on revenge and my own agenda. You needed me and I wasn't there for you. I think it's only natural that you started to subconsciously bond to someone else in your vulnerable state."

Shepard remembered the crushing feeling from that and while the wound had healed it left a scar. But liara had already apologized and explained herself. She had no business feeling guilty for that now.

"LI I forgave you for that and I came back to help you defeat the shadow broker. Even if I hadn't; what kind of logic is that?" She pleaded.

"That doesn't suddenly erase it or the damage that it caused!" The asari suddenly found herself wishing even more that her commander was there in the flesh with her and not behind some screen.

"But I think the real question here is; Samantha how do you feel towards Ms. Lawson?" Direct and blunt as usual but somehow liara did it with a grace that didn't make it seem so brutal of a question.

"I…." It was without a shadow of a doubt that Miranda, despite their initial meeting had become her best friend. Their unity and understanding of one another both on and off the battle field was only rivaled by the bond that was shared between her Garrus and Tali. Both of which were like brother and sister to her respectively.

Shepard couldn't lie to herself, if it wasn't for the fact that she was with Liara, she most definitely would of taken a run at her second in command. The instant arousal she felt during Miranda's advancements concluded that there was at least lust there. Yet the more she thought about it the more she realized some of her previous thoughts and actions that she perceived as merely those of friendship did hint at how she felt.

She always took Miranda out on missions as she quickly noticed that it did not feel right without her there. She had to constantly resist the urge to threaten the lives of those men who looked at her like she was only a piece of meat. She was more than her looks and those that didn't recognize that deserved a brawler pistol at their throat.

"I…do feel something for her, Liara, but you have my loyalty! I want my future with you!"

Liara could only nod which soothed Samantha's guilty conscious for only for a moment. Liara's two years as an information broker ended up doing more damage than she realized. She approached a situation that years ago she would of showed jealousy and resentment towards with an almost unattached demeanor. As much as she wanted to rage in jealousy those feelings were still under lock and key and instinctively she did as she did for years. She approached the situation with reason and logic.

"Perhaps the two of you should explore this" The alien said seriously. Her eyes never wavered and the blank expression that accompanied further showed she was serious.

Shepard could only stare at the monitor; her left eyebrow twitching in shock.

"Are you seriously sitting there giving me permission to cheat on you? What the hell!" Shepard snarled and walked away from her desk pacing the room like an angry lion trapped in a cage.

"Samantha! Get back here this instant!" The commander only hesitated for a moment before walking back to her desk. Sitting back down with an angry thud she glared at the screen.

"Samantha I want a future with you as well." Liara touched the screen as if she were touching her bondmate's face and the gesture managed to sooth the beast that raged inside the commander.

"But I want you without doubt, without hesitation or to have your mind linger on the if's."

"Damnit, Miranda…." If she hadn't of did what she did those feelings would of never came to the surface and other than the imminent threat of the reapers she'd be happy.

"Regardless, I love you, Samantha. I should go now; Feron is probably considering disabling the vi helper in frustration." Samantha's habits were rubbing off on her. Using humor to deflate a situation was her commander's trademark.

"Heh…you've been around me too much, Liara." She sighed feeling more pressure than before.

"I love you too." Liara smiled and lingered for a moment before terminating the connection.

The commander felt as if she had aged a hundred years in the span of thirty minutes. All of it came crashing down around her as tears of frustration. She didn't know what was worse, the fact that liara would suggest such an asinine thing or the fact that part of her was considering it.

The next two and a half weeks crawled for the commander and were agonizing beyond words. She'd fallen back into routine and to the untrained eye everything seemed normal. However it was far from the truth. Thoughts of her XO lingered and festered in her like bugs in an old condemned house. She couldn't get her off her mind off her if she wanted to. Was it simple infatuation? Was she like a child with a new toy? None of it made sense to her and the frustration from lack of answers was getting to her. Both XO and Commander avoided each other like the plague as neither wanted to face the uncomfortable tension between them. If she was honest with herself which she was, she quickly came to realize that she missed her XO and wish that things could go back to normal between them.

"Missing someone who lives on the same damn ship as me. " If there was a god in all of the universe than certainly he was laughing and at her expense.

Finally with her aggression at an all time high she decided that she needed to find a way to vent before she took it out on the wrong one or perhaps the right one.

"Edi, how far are we out from Tuchanka?" Sadly there was no suitable place for sparing on the Normandy .

"We can be there within the hour, Shepard."

"Good set a course and now patch me through to grunt."

"Battlemaster?" She could clearly hear the curiosity in his voice.

"Your battlemaster wants to spar, are you up for the challenge?" Shepard began putting on her armor. Clicking various pieces of it into place as her mind yearned for the heat of battle

"Of course battlemaster! I've been itching for battle since our brush with the collectors!" Shepard smiled. Of course he would be up for sparring it was in his blood as it was in all Krogans. She knew that grunt could take a beating and simply ask for more.

Yes he was the perfect one to take out her frustration on and unlike with the others she wouldn't have to hold back in the slightest.

"We'll give your clan quite the show"


	3. Growing Affections

AN: Please thank/pray for Melodic Maddness. As she is my beta reader and will lose lots of brains cells dealing with me. There will probably a few grammar mistakes still in this but she has showed and taught me enough to where I think I am gonna be able to cut it down considerably in the next chapter

"Battlemaster! Are you sure you are not part Krogan?" The looks the two of them received from the crew around the CIC were barely acknowledged. They should have been used to such shenanigan_**s**_ from Shepard by now. If they didn't know any better they'd say that the pair were mortal enemies but the almost playful banter between them as they waiting for the elevator proved otherwise.

The "spar" between the two of them was an intense one and the cheering crowd around them during only intensified it further. To up the ante neither was allowed to wear armor and if it wasn't for the battle she would of laughed at how odd he along with all krogan looked without armor. The opportunity to prove his worth and possibly one up the commander was not lost on the krogan and so he pulled out all the stops. However Shepard proved that she was worthy of the title and though Grunt's pride was bruised he couldn't be more proud to call this squishy creature his battlemaster. She may have not had his strength but her speed, intelligence and versatility was enough to make up for it.

Unfortunately the two of them ran out of Medi-gel even after resorting to putting on their armor which had it built it. Wrex wasn't a fan of the stuff as most krogans were and kept a limited supply around. The two had to resort to licking their wounds clean the old fashion way. The news of the two warriors, who had beaten the thresher maw, a feat only obtained by Wrex, brought in a considerable about of attention. Bets had been placed and odds were against Shepard, but Wrex knew better. He ended up with quite the substantial sum.

"Maybe…" She smirked. Hell for all she knew she could have been. She still had no idea of all what Cerberus had done to her during those two years she was dead.

"More squishes should be like you Shepard!" He winced as he disturbed a cut on his forehead that the commander had given him.

"I couldn't agree more, Grunt." She leaned against the elevator's walls as it came to its destination of Grunt's "Quarters" If more humans were like her, they along with all of the other species wouldn't be so complacent about the imminent threat coming.

"We must do this again, Battlemaster!" He turned to her after stepping off the elevator. His large chest puffed out in pride with his arms crossed.

"We will Grunt" she pushed the elevator's button to close the doors and as soon as they shut she collapsed. "Ugh that was a bad idea" She grabbed her side; nursing what she was sure was a couple of cracked ribs. Along with bruises and cuts she felt like she had gotten chewed up and spat out. She didn't notice the injuries earlier because of the amount of adrenaline pumping through her system and if it was up to her it would of stayed that way, but her aggression was sated and the fight managed to take her mind off of things. So in that regard she could not complain. Blood ran down the side of her face and lips but she didn't care to wipe it away, she'd take care of herself once she was in her quarters. Going to the medical bay was NOT an option. Dr. Chakwas would tear her new one.

She tilted her head against the cool metal of the elevator and closed her eyes. The metallic surface acting as a compress to soothe her throbbing headache. "Don't tell me that I have a concussion as well" Time was lost on her and she could begin to feel herself doze at the hum of the elevator. It wasn't until the doors opened that her eyes snapped open and drifted upwards towards the source of her frustrations.

"What in the hell are you doing here?" Miranda rarely left the second floor as she had everything she needed there and didn't mingle nor feel the urge to

"I was down in the armory discussing things with Jacob!" She said in both confusion and anger as her defenses took over

"About what?" She knew of their past together and it made that ugly green monster rear its head. By god if he was trying to make the moves on her she'd have his ass"

"That is none of your concern, Shepard! Besides you should be more concerned about yourself" She pressed the button to head to the medical bay where she figured the commander was headed.

When she noticed what button Miranda hit she, without thinking leapt forward hitting the button to her own quarters. A moved her busted ribs did not appreciate and showed.

"UGH!" she grasped her side and took a deep breath before nausea could take over. Miranda instinctively reached out to support the commander.

"I have medical supplies and the like in my room; I can take care of this… myself" Her voice trailed off when she realized Miranda's close proximity. An action which reminded her of the almost affair that occurred in her bedroom.

"I'm coming with you…"

"Mira…" the glared that she received from her XO let her know that she would not take no for an answer. "ok alright, fine…" she slumped in defeat and let her second in command help her out of the elevator. Miranda gently eased her to the couch and afterwards rummaged through the drawers of her desk where she found medigel cloth and bandages. Shepard was too tired to even strip out of her armor but she knew she had to. She gritted her teeth and reached across her chest to snap her shoulder armor off. The pain shot through her nerves like lightening.

"Stop that Shepard" the soft clicking of heels made their way to her ears as Miranda lowered herself. She placed the medical supplies to the left of her on the couch and reached in starting the process of getting the woman's armor off.

Shepard struggled to keep her breathing under control. Miranda was slow about taking off her armor to not disturb her injuries but the entire situation had an erotic and sensual edge to it. Piece by piece the armor came off, discarded to the side. Slowly but surely it revealed the commander's toned and firm body, a body that she helped sculpt. Once the armor was all off she helped the commander take off her shirt showing just how battered and bruised she was.

"Oh Shepard….."

"Hey I've been through worse….you know being dead and all" She smirked for a moment before it turned into a grimace when Miranda gave her a firm jab to the side"

"point taken!"

Miranda reached in and slowly lifted the commander's arm as to not bother her ribs. The touch sent electricity through both of the women but neither said anything. Then medigel was applied and Shepard found herself so grateful that the stuff had been invented. She then finally applied the bandages around her upper waist and fought the urge to lick her lips. Her Shepard's was the epitome of perfect. No she did not have porcelain smooth skin that she had herself had but her body was in a league of its own. A testament to who she was and what she had done. Arousal levels were high and Miranda realized that maybe coming up was a bad idea.

"When are you going to realize that you mean a great deal to people, to your crew?" The XO asked while finishing up the last little bit.

"it's not fun hearing you make constant jokes about your death or being dead" Green eyes widened

"it's a defense mechanism, but I will try and stop making so light of it, but I can ask you the same thing Miranda"

"How so?"

"_Perhaps the two of you should explore this…" _The words echoed through her mind and as much as she wanted her moral side to quiet the thought she couldn't help it with the XO being so close

"When are _you _going to realize that people care about you…..that I care about you?" The commander reached up and placed her palm on the xo' s cheek stroking it with her thumb.

All was exposed now and she couldn't go back.

Miranda gasped before she found herself leaning into the commander's touch. A thousand questions burned in her mind but she would not let them crush the serenity of the moment. Tonight Shepard would be hers and hers alone. She was already in a kneeling position from previous actions so that made leaning forward and pressing her head against' Shepard's easy. She could feel the commander's breath against her lips as she stared into the deep green pools. Miranda had heard the saying that the eyes were windows to the soul. She believed that it was rubbish but now she wasn't so sure.

She could see the confusion, the lust but most importantly she could see the truth.

"Samantha…" She whispered just as she closed the distance between them and crashed her lips into Shepard's. it was soft and tentative at first but as more time passed the more passionate and needy it became. Their tongues battled for dominance in a war could be neither won nor lost. The need to breath made itself know as both women pulled apart. Shepard angled her head and leaned forward, biting the skin there and pulling it upwards slightly. Miranda's moans were like music to her ears and they served to encourage and make her bolder. She licked and sucked at the warm skin beneath her lips, leaving a dark spot to mark the woman as hers.

A hiss could be heard and finely manicured nails raked through her hair. She pulled back which disappointed the commander, but as Miranda stood to her full height, she reached up and grabbed the zipper on her suit. She slid it down agonizingly slow to taunt and tease Shepard. When she was done, her black lacey bra was revealed and the sight sent pleasurable spasms down the commander's spine.

"Miri…" The commander gasped as her secret nickname for her XO came to light. She didn't have time to linger on it as she found herself being straddled. Her hands went instinctively to the woman's full hips after Miranda began to give her neck the same pleasure she received earlier. She too had been marked. Miranda could no longer ignore the ache and need that her loins burned with and ground harshly into Shepard. Injuries were disturbed but the commander made no note of them while kissing suckling at the woman's breasts.

"Shepard…." Miranda gasped and grinded herself more against the commander.

"Samantha….." Shepard gently chastised.

"Shut up…." Miranda found Shepard's lips once more and assaulted them just like before. She never wanted this to end and she prayed the feeling was mutual with Shepard, but as the woman squeezed her hips all doubts were thrown aside and she was cast to a world of ecstasy.

The couch was nice but it was no place for their steadily increasing efforts. She left Shepard's waist and stood up, grabbing her hands and gently pulling her up with her

Shepard allowed herself to be led towards the bed and the sultry look that she was given made her all the more eager.

Miranda dropped the commander's hands and laid back on the bed presenting herself. Shepard shuddered at the sight and came to the conclusion that indoctrination had nothing on what was in front of her now. She only moved forward when beckoned to do so and lowered herself onto her XO, attacking the side of her neck. Because of her new position her dog tags became an annoyance to her lover.

"Take these off…" She snatched the tags from around the commander's neck, tossing them across the room.

"Hey…" Shepard turned towards the direction her tags were thrown but the protest was quickly shortened as Miranda grabbed the side of her face turning it back towards her and kissing the other woman deeply. Shepard melted into the kiss as nails raked down her back, her tags quickly forgotten.

The XO saw her chance and pressed her thigh upwards into the apex of Shepard's legs. Shepard was caught off guard and gasped calling out Miri's name as goose bumps formed down her arms.

Shepard groggily awoke the next morning and ached in places that she didn't know she had. While sex was nothing new to her, she almost felt like she just lost her innocence again. Never had she been so dominated and pushed to her limits. She felt a presence behind her as warm arms tightened their grip around her waist and pulled her even closer. Black hair soon covered the commander's vision as Miranda nuzzled into the crook of her neck. "Good morning to you too…." She looked over her shoulder to half lidded blue eyes staring back at her. "Do we have to get up now….commander?" The XO let the last word roll off her tongue. Shepard blushed at how the term "commander" had been used last night. "No…but don't you think it best you get back to your own quarters before the crew is up and stirring?" Miranda couldn't argue with that assessment but it didn't mean that she didn't want to. "Let them talk…." She nuzzled into her neck as if trying to hide there.

"Miri…." Her voice held a playful warning

"Fine…" Miranda kissed her shoulder and rolled from her side of the bed. The action didn't go unappreciated as Shepard murmured in gratitude. From her beside view she could see Miri finding and putting on clothes that had been thrown aside carelessly the night before. Upon finding her laced underwear, she bent over slowly to pick them up to give Shepard the perfect view of her assets.

"Damn how do you make getting dressed look sexy?"

"I am not without my feminine wiles commander" The term commander was now used in a playful mocking tone.

When she was done dressing she walked over to her commander and made sure to swing her hips along the way. However blue eyes softened when she reached her destination and she leaned over cupping the commander's cheek. She had come to the conclusion long before that she would probably get hurt from this whole ordeal. That her commander would run back to her asari proving the night had only been a fluke. She was still grateful and showed it by kissing the woman as if her life depended on it. When it ended, she nuzzled against her commander's cheek, making sure to breath in her scent one last time.

No words passed between them and none were needed. All had been laid to bare and there was no need to sully that with inane talk. The contact ended all too shortly as Miranda pulled away and made her exit towards the door making sure to smile over her shoulder just as the doors shut.

She rolled out of bed and stretched carefully although her side was feeling much better. She wasn't sure on what to do with herself today. Not being in firefight after firefight was an odd but welcomed feeling. The blue glow of the fish tank attracted her attention and she remembered how Miranda had told her she was being childish by indulging and the same was applied to her model collection hanging above her desk. She walked over to the tank but before she could reach it something small protruded onto her foot. She moved back revealing her dog tags. She had forgotten how they had been thrown to the side in a fit of passion. She reached down and grabbed them and as soon as she did a particular flashback invaded her mind.

"_I brought you something, it took some digging but I recovered your tags" Liara handed Samantha her lost tags. The invoked memories in the commander, both good and bad, but regardless she was so happy to have them back. Finding them couldn't have been an easy task especially with the situation in which they were lost, but her determined doctor found them. A testament to the love and dedication the asari held for her commander._

"_I thought I'd never see these again" She trailed her fingers down the tags feeling their how charred and gnarled them had become. She could still make out her name though; "Samantha Jane Shepard" She would put them on asap_

"_You can't get back everything you lose but sometimes you get lucky" The sentence spoke volumes to the asari. For two years she mourned the loss of her commander. Berating herself for not staying by her side during the collector attack. The news of the commander not making it sent Liara into both a rage and hurt. Her bondmate, gone because Joker stupidly decided that he could save the ship. The urge to crush the brittle man in a biotic field was strong but she would not degrade the memory of her commander with such an act. It had however proved to be the first step into the darker half of her personality. _

_Yet all was now right and her commander stood before her as evidence of that._

"_yeah that was the plan" Shepard leaned against the counter _

_The couple then talked about how the commander really felt and she expressed that she was worried. A worry that was quickly subsided by the fact that she walked out of the collector base alive and with everyone. Something her asari eagerly pointed out._

"_So tell me what you want? If this all ends tomorrow what happens to us?" _

"_I dunno…marriage old age and a lot of little blue children?" she meant every word of it. A family with Liara would never replace the one she lost but it was a start, a hell of a start._

"_You just say these things" The commander was playfully pushed before Liara walked to the side and leaned onto the desk. The torment of the past two years finally collapsed from her shoulders but she was exhausted, she was vulnerable and it all came out in a torrent of tears._

"_Goddess You were dead…"_

"_I came back" Shepard walked up behind her._

"_This time but you're going to leave again. When the reapers come you will dive into the fray" She looked up glancing at the stars and then turned around placing her hands into Shepard's._

"_I spent two years morning you, so if we're going to try this, I need to know you're always coming back" By the goddess she could not take losing her commander a second time. She knew asari focused on the time they had together with their mates instead of the inevitable loss, but she could not let her commander go. She even allied herself with Cerberus to recover her body. Something she did with both a sadness and determination._

"_I don't know…that's a pretty big promise to make" Shepard smiled and raised her eyebrow coyly. _

"_oh is it?" The act was not lost on the doctor._

"_I'll have to have something special to come back to" Shepard pulled her closer and breathed heavily across her neck. _

"_I am open to suggestions" the asari murmured._

"_How about…..this" The commander reached down grabbing at her backside. Her asari gasped and her eyes changed from docile blue to hungry black._

The memory ended and the commander continued to stare at her dogtags. What had she done? She'd put her chance at a family, to be happy all for a lay. No, the XO meant more to her than that.

_You just had to go and let your hormones do the talking! _Her conscious shouted against her.

_You have put the lives of your future daughters in jeopardy because you couldn't bury a few stray romantic feelings! Miranda can't give you what you want; you saw the shadow broker's dossier report and even if she could they wouldn't really be yours like with Liara's!_

The commander bit her lip and shook while slipping on the dogtags. She had no right to wear them now but did so as her neck felt naked without them.

"I'll make this right….somehow"

Author's note: I have no idea of where I am going with this! I am writing it by the seat of my pants as the idea of planning stuff out bothers me and quite frankly takes the fun out of everything. Thank you for sticking with this newb writer this far! Btw who are you cheering for? Obviously this is a story focused on F!shep/Miranda but there are no guarantees on who will win in the end. I'm personally torn myself =/ I like both!


	4. Regrets

Author's Note: What have I gotten myself into! LOL! I just want to take the time out to address some people's concerns. I am fully aware that I have written myself into a corner with the only option of someone having their heart broken. That was the intentional. As strange as it might sound I'm just as much in the dark about who will win just as all of you are. This is what keeps it intriguing to me. The last thing I want to say before I jet is that I must apologize for my pacing. I am very eager to get to the climax or height of things without working on the buildup which is just as important if not more. I will try and be more mindful of that from now on. Thank you all and keep the reviews coming =3

Shepard paced the entire length of her room, racking her brain on what to do. Like a child yanked from a candy store in the height of fun, the cold harsh reality of what she'd done hit her. In her two lifetimes she never thought she'd grow to care about two women. While the love she had for Liara was stronger, she could not hide the growing affection for Miranda and constantly being around her merely reinforced it. Again she wanted to chalk it up to lust but her mind rejected such an assumption. Lust would not include the urge to protect and hold the woman. It did not include wanting to show the woman that the world wasn't such a cold place, something her father engrained so deeply within her. Miranda was never one to be coddled, but whether she liked it or not she'd earned herself a guardian.

The good Dr. Liara T'Soni had been the first person to ever peel back the layers that hid Shepard from view. For most of her life, she had been surrounded by protocols, rules and regulations. She did not have time for love nor could she afford to show such a "weakness." She had dozens who depended on her leadership, for her to make the hard calls. She couldn't do that if someone saw that position being compromised by an emotional entanglement. Yet Liara crashed through all of those barriers with little regard. She slowly coaxed her commander out from the cold and into the warm embrace that she so eagerly accepted. With Liara she could be open, vulnerable and weak without the threat of judgment. She loved her so much for that.

Shepard unconsciously started to rub her fingers along the mangled surface of her dog tags in thought, a habit she'd formed years ago. She refused to compare the two of them because each were their own person, forged by their past. Both had saved her on some level, although at that time Miranda's interest was purely professional. Regardless she felt like half of her belonged to Miranda and the other to Liara. Shepard pushed away from the couch and marched over to her desk, staring at the picture of the Asari . Shepard was one of the most strong willed people and if she wanted to she could deprive herself of Miranda and be completely dedicated to Liara. Yet she knew that would have not been fair to her, she deserved all of Shepard's heart not just the majority of it. She could now understand Liara's suggestion but it didn't make the pressure on her chest feel any lighter. For all their similarities with humans, the culture was still strange.

"Maybe I should just…" She growled in frustration as no solution made itself known. She didn't want to hurt either but that would be the outcome no matter what her path was. The commander was so lost in thought that she didn't realize the ship was docking in illium. She remembered something about elevator upgrades from her and Miri's pillow talk. Staring out the window at the busy city below, Shepard could remember the hilarious banter that happened between then two of them during their chase after Vasir. "She should really have more faith in my driving ability," Shepard laughed genuinely to herself

"Maybe time out of the ship will clear my head, but first a shower"

She clicked the last bit of her leg armor into place and looked in the mirror at herself. She wasn't vain but she did like to look her best.

"EDI?" Shepard waited for the unshackled AI to respond.

"Yes, Shepard?" it responded in a timely manner.

"Tell the crew that they are allowed some leave time, all of us have been cooped up on this ship far too long."

"Anything else, Shepard?" The AI asked

"Where is Miranda currently located?" She asked while walking out of her room and into the awaiting elevator.

"She is currently in her quarters."

"Thank you EDI."

"Logging you out, Shepard"

She hoped that she could sneak pass the XO in lieu of some alone time. While her company was appreciated, she couldn't afford to be distracted. When the elevator stopped on the floor just below Shepard's heart started to pound against her chest. It would be just her luck that she'd run into the XO. When the doors opened she breathed a sigh of relief when Jacob strolled in.

"Commander! I didn't expect to see you here."

"Aye, I could use some down time myself. " She nodded to the dark skinned man before walking out the elevator.

"Commander, you're not taking a team with you?" He walked along side her.

"No, but I will be fine Jacob. I don't plan on getting in any trouble." She smiled and patted the man on the shoulder before making hasty exit towards the shuttle

Alone. The word was so foreign and alien yet now it was a welcomed feeling. Gone was the distraction of her crew, her duties and wrecked love life. She could focus entirely on herself and pull back the bits and pieces of her that had drifted off into the unknown. She found herself in the shopping district where she had bought fish and model ships. Both of them were considered childish pass times but she couldn't let them go no matter what. They reminded her of a simpler time and she would take anything she could get. She had to have looked odd, standing there in all of her armor and weapons being completely enthralled by colorful fish that had no cares in the world. How she longed to be one of those fish. She didn't go very far like she'd planned but the hours away from the ship proved to be therapeutic.

Her time alone was coming to a close and she'd be needed back at the Normandy soon. She decided to spend her last bit of alone time gazing at the stars just outside of the shopping district.

"I knew I would find you here." A familiar voice made its way to her ears. Was it possible to be hit with both a wave of dread and comfort? Shepard gulped and turned around, her eyes falling on the XO. "I must be getting predictable," She let out a short chuckle before pushing off from the wall. Miranda closed the distance between them and stood beside her at the balcony.

"It's a beautiful city isn't it?" Miranda asked trying to go for small talk. "When you're not getting shot at!" Both women laughed and Miranda edged closer to her. They stayed quiet for some time, neither one wanting to start the inevitable conversation. A soft hand grabbed a hard calloused one and squeezed reassuringly. Shepard bristled at the contact but relaxed enjoying it. Miranda was the first to speak

"Samantha, what happened between us can't happen again." Miranda had already surmised this would happen but was too lost in the heat of the moment to give a damn. She almost skipped to her room after her rendezvous with the commander. However once the feelings of euphoria wore off her rational mind settled back into place and she knew what she had to do. She would cause far too much damage if she pursued this.

Shepard bit her lip and said nothing; there was nothing she could say.

"Liara has given up far too much for you to just throw it all away on a simple lay." If she surmised what happened between them as pure lust then maybe she could get over things faster. Shepard then found her voice and it was an angry one. She snatched her hand away leaving Miranda gasping.

"Is that all you think you mean to me?" Shepard angrily stalked closer to her, making the XO back against the wall.

"Samantha," She whimpered.

"Don't Samantha me! Do you think I would put my future with Liara on the line for a simple lay!" Miranda cowered before her commander.

"You mean more than a damn lay, Miranda. For all your smarts you sure are being stupid right now!" Tears formed and Miranda was too tired and shocked to fight em.

"Shepard…I..I only want to do what's right for you, but this isn't easy!" she pleaded and begged for understanding.

"It's not easy for me either!" The pair was now attracting looks from patrons. "You think I like being..." Sheppard snarled before she could complete her sentence. "I can't do this" She shook her head and walked off leaving Miranda.

"Samantha, wait!" She chased after her.

"Leave me be, Miri!" She stormed off leaving the broken XO behind her.

"Edi? Has Shepard checked in at all?" She asked for what had to be the tenth time over the course of a few hours. "No she has not. But her vital signs suggest that she is ok, although she is showing high levels of adrenaline."

Miranda nodded without another word. She had screwed up royally by trying to play off Shepard's feelings for her as simply lust. Her commander had far more integrity than that and would never resort to simply giving in to a biological urge. There was more there, obviously but it wasn't worth possibly wrecking Shepard's future.

She could no longer fight sleep and gave in, hoping that maybe in her dreams she would be able to come up with something to placate the hell fire between the two of them.

Over in the night, Edi had informed Miranda that Shepard was once again with the ship. She started to get up to possibly talk to her commander but was quickly stopped by Edi who said that she didn't wish to be bothered until they reached Halgaz. Running back to her Asari just like she surmised she would. Sometimes she felt like she was too smart for her own good.

"So this is what heartbreak feels like?" She asked herself and pulled the covers tighter around her. She didn't like the feeling but hoped it would ease away over time. It would be ideal to get away from the Normandy but where would she go? Her past affiliation with Cerberus limited what she could do. No one wanted to be associated with a terrorist group even if an "Ex" was in front of the title. Was this her fate? To watch the commander from afar with the perfect life? The universe, it seemed, was not without a sense of irony.

She needed someone to talk to as she felt like she was going to burst if she kept all of this in. Yet who on the ship could she trust with such information? All of the males had quickly been ruled out along with Kelly. The second in command grunted at the women even coming into her thoughts. She threw herself at Shepard so many times it was ridiculous. Had she no couth? Kasumi she considered too childish and jack went without question. The choice came down to two people; Dr. Chakwas or Samara. The Justicar unnerved even her. The Asari 's dedication to the code was absolute and despite the apprehension it brought to the XO, she found that she could respect it. Dr. Chakwas seemed to be there for everyone equally but could her medical skills translate to those Miranda needed right now?

With her choice made, she dressed in her normal attire and walked out of her quarters. Minutes later she found herself outside of Samara's door. The Asari wasn't her first choice but she discovered that Dr. Chakwas was sleeping, as most sane people would be at this hour. Samara had an open door policy, something Miranda found herself suddenly thankful for.

"Samara?"She said and looked at the Justicar as she meditated.

"Miranda?" She questioned just as her eyes returned to normal. "I cannot say that I expected to ever find you in my quarters." She stayed in her meditative position for a few moments and then rose to greet the XO.

"Nor did I, Samara." On the outside Miranda was the perfect example of control but on the inside a storm was raging within her. With nearly a thousand years behind her, Samara could tell when someone was hiding something but she would not force it. She shouldn't though as Miranda came to her.

"My child it would be wise to remove all masks now. Do not fear judgment here." Samara waited patiently.

"Something happened between Shepard and I," She walked forward, past the justicar to the observatory window watching the nebula that they passed through.

"And you fear that this action has stained your relationship with the commander?" Miranda merely nodded.

"Love is a fickle thing." Samara said without hesitation.

"I said nothing about lo-" Miranda swirled around to "correct" Samara but the Asari held her hand upwards in a motion to stop her.

"Please, do not insult my intelligence child. What else could It possibly be to warrant getting my attention?" The XO let her cover fall and she nodded weakly.

"Yet Shepard is with Liara, problematic. Samara said merely stating the facts.

"I should have known better. She and Liara have given up everything for the other. I have nothing of such magnitude to offer Shepard." For all of her talent brains and beauty she felt like a peon compared to Liara.

"It is not up to you to determine if what you have to offer is worth it. Shepard has to make that decision on her own."

"I think she already has hence why we are currently en-route to, Halgaz" The XO's heart sunk to a whole new level.

"I must say that I am disappointed that Shepard would drag you into such a thing despite her relationship with Liara."

"It's not as if she forced me. I knew the risk and likely outcome yet I did it anyway. " She had gotten a taste of what life with Shepard would have been like, but it would have to be a fantasy left unfulfilled.

"Even though you are so obviously hurting, you have seem to have made up your mind about Shepard" The Asari understood that the right choice wasn't always the easiest one. The life of a justicar bared such a burden.

"I have, Shepard deserves happiness and peace, "She moved towards the door but before it opened she turned to the Justicar. "Thank you"

"You are welcome but won't you stay and meditate with me for a while?" She could still sense restlessness from the woman and if she didn't get rid of it or at least manage it better, it would manifest into something else. Miranda paused for a moment looking down in thought

"I'd like that."

The Kodiac shuttle docked with the large ship and Liara waited impatiently on the other side. The arrival of her commander was completely unexpected and initially had the crew on edge, but when the IFF determined it was the Normandy she nearly leaped for joy.

"Samantha!" Long blue arms snaked around the commander's neck.

"You should really wait until I have gotten my armor off to do that, remember what happened last time?" Shepard nuzzled into the crook of her neck.

"Do not blame me for your mistake! Now go and take off that armor. I don't see why you wore it here in the first place." She pulled back her arms but stopped short to allow her hands to caress Samantha's face.

"We have to talk, Liara." She didn't want to kill the peace of the moment nor the calm that had started to quell the storm but it had to be done.

"I take it this is about Miranda?" She rubbed her cheek reassuringly as the commander nodded.  
>"Come on let's get you out of this armor first." Liara huddled closer to her commander.<p>

Liara lay nuzzled under Shepard's neck, exhausted from the meld. Unlike their previous meld this one was not for the sake of sex but rather to allow the Asari to sort through the commander's feelings. Feelings that were so jumbled that she herself couldn't even begin to form them into words. She could see the confusion and guilt that coursed through the commander's mind at her actions. She tried to reassure her that it was ok but she would have none of it. She could also see growing affection for Miranda, something she tried so desperately to fight against but ultimately failed.

Miranda admitting her feelings acted like an accelerant and flame to dried leaves. They shot up like a raging fire but were still dominated by the flame that burned for Liara. Shepard felt that the two of them had been through too much together to stop now but she felt a sense of duty to Miranda as well, one that wouldn't go away. She pushed up from her commander and looked down into green eyes. She knew her idea would be met with resistance but her and Miranda had to talk. She'd clearly managed to work her way into the commander's heart. Maybe there was more to this woman than she initially gave her credit for.

"I wish to speak to Miranda." Before Shepard could protest, she pressed her full lips slightly against hers, stopping the act before it even started. "But why Liara?" Shepard asked not understanding what the point could be, what it would lead to.

"I don't know, it just seems like the right thing to do. Perhaps I will provide her with comfort, understanding. She doesn't deserve to just be ignored. So please Shepard, ask her to come down. She couldn't say no to the pleading eyes above her, so she simply sighed and nodded giving into the Asari's wants.

"Alright, Liara, if that's what you want. I'll send the shuttle to retrieve her. That is of course assuming she says yes. "

"You have to leave Shepard, I'm speaking to Miranda alone." She lifted herself from the bed and sat on the edge.

"I hope you know what you're doing, Liara."


	5. Talks

Why had she agreed to such a thing? After her talk with Samara, Miranda's decision to let the commander go was firmly etched in stone. Perhaps the Asari wanted to gloat how Shepard chose her instead. No, no, Liara was nothing like that. Although their time together was short during the retrieval of the commander's body, she'd come to an understanding of the Asari. Maybe it was curiosity that drove her forward or if she was honest with herself, a sense of closure. Yes, she would put this behind her and chalk it up to a lesson learned; never fall in love.

She was brought out of her thoughts by the shuttle bay area opening, allowing the Kodiak entry. It hovered slightly before finally coming to a rest, causing the surrounding area to rumble from its weight. A loud hissing could be heard and the shuttle opened revealing the commander. Green eyes locked onto blue ones and though the two were currently separated by glass; it felt like a current of electricity passed between them. Miranda turned away unable to keep the connection. If she kept this up then her resolve would crumble like ash. Shepard walked out of the shuttle and into the area that led to the rest of the ship; where Miranda was.

Shepard didn't know what to say or do. Anything that came into her mind simply seemed like patronizing the XO and she certainly didn't deserve that.

"Miranda, "Shepard said as she nodded slowly.

"Commander, "She nodded as well and then made her way towards the shuttle. Like she was rooted to the ground, Shepard stayed and stared at the raven haired women as she moved towards the Kodiak. She found herself hoping that the XO would at least look back at her just once, but she never did. She simply climbed into the shuttle and allowed it to carry her to the Halgaz.

Her spirits sunk to a new low, but she couldn't expect any more from the XO. She was hurting as well and had to deal with things her own way even if it meant reducing their relationship to a mere boss and subordinate one.

Shepard couldn't take her eyes off the shuttle and it wasn't until it disappeared out of sight that she felt she was allowed to leave.

"I don't deserve either of you," She said and finally turned away, making her way back to the sanctuary of her quarters.

Miranda wanted to collapse, to give in to the overwhelming emotions that battled in her like the storm outside, but she couldn't, not now. Her mind raced with possibilities of the upcoming talk. What would Liara ask, want or demand of her? She feared to guess. Once again the shuttle docked and Miranda opened the doors to walk down the narrow corridor to the ship. She could feel her heart beat powerfully against her chest when she spotted Liara, who simply smiled at her in greeting.

"Miranda it is good to see you again, "She closed her eyes and nodded slowly.

"I can't imagine so under these circumstances." Miranda stared straight ahead, looking at the interior that had yet to be cleaned up from the battle a few weeks ago. Liara said nothing and instead gestured for the XO to follow her.

They made their way down to the room where the battle against the shadow broker took place. Miranda cringed at the memory. The last thing she remembered was getting a nasty blow from debris and being knocked out as a result. It was not her finest moment.

Liara motioned for the XO to sit on a makeshift couch. Apparently such amenities had been ignored in favor of making sure the day to day operations flowed normally. Settling into the role of Shadow Broker couldn't have been an easy task.

The Asari sat opposite of her and looked at the human. The XO felt trapped in the powerful jaws of a varren and there was nothing she could do about it. The first of many questions finally bubbled to the surface and if the rest of them proved to be anything like the first; it would be a long night.

"How do you feel about my Samantha?" Most people would have ignored the possessive nature of the sentence but Miranda found that she couldn't. Was Liara asserting what she had and what she didn't? Her rational mind told her no, but when it came to the commander she was hardly rational. Her being here in such a predicament was proof of that.

Miranda thought for a few short moments. What could she say about the red head that would convince the Asari that she was truly in love? Then again, who was she to judge whether or not she loved the commander?

Finally she spoke and though the following words were short they spoke volumes.

"I love her." She looked down unable to meet the gaze of the woman opposite of her. She licked her lips and continued as she was sure the Asari wanted that elaborated on.

"She has every right to be a monster, but she isn't," Miranda shook her head. "She lost her entire family thanks to batarian slavers, she was the only survivor of Akuze, suffers nightmares on a regular basis among other atrocities. "

Liara nodded signaling for the XO to continue.

"Yet she doesn't let those things define her, she defies logic. I still to this day do not understand how she can embody such things. She leads like a true leader would but does so with unrivaled compassion. I found myself wanting to be there for her, to take any and all pain away since she insists on fighting alone. That's when I realized I was in trouble, when I realized I was in love." Miranda took a deep breath and let it out slowly. What she said had been the truth but it had only managed to scratch the surface of her feelings towards the commander.

Liara was floored at the admission. The XO had managed to fall in love with the commander for the exact same reasons she had.

"Samantha is a strong one." Liara smiled at the XO and she did the same in return.

"She is," Miranda said as she nodded.

Both biotics let silence envelope them as they thought of questions they could ask the other.

Something in Miranda just threw caution to the wind.

"Why ask me here? Why would you want to talk to me?" She gestured her hands upward.

Liara looked at her momentarily before standing and pacing.

"I wanted to see the woman that invoked such feelings from my Shepard. I wanted to see the woman that I could possibly lose the love of my life to!" Liara's voice raised alarm.

Something in Miranda snapped and before she knew it; she was up and glaring Liara in the face.

"If she was the love of your life then why would you let her suffer when she needed you so badly?" Miranda's stake back then wasn't quite what it was now, but as feelings grew deeper so did her resentment for her commander's treatment back on Illium. The XO's biotics flared instinctively, sending a wave of blue across her body, but she relented. Her purpose here was not to fight Liara.

Liara grew wide eyed at the proximity of the woman and though she didn't intend to, she went into defense mode.

"I was lost in wanting revenge, completely blinded by rage but also," She lowered her shoulders. "Seeing her in the flesh, alive and breathing again was overwhelming. The last time I saw her she was but meat and tubes on a medical table! I retreated into my armor instead of greeting her with the passion and love she so rightfully deserved." It was too much for Liara to take as she never really forgiven herself those actions.

Miranda considered it an excuse but found that she could not argue against it. Was she not going through the same thing? Like Liara, hadn't her commander coaxed her out of a shell only to find that she needed to retreat back into it to keep her sanity? She and Liara were more alike than she wanted to give credit for.

"At the very least, if I did lose Samantha, she'd have someone who cares about her just as much as I do." The fear of losing Shepard a second time was very real and she wanted to crumble in the face of it.

"This all happened so fast. Just a few short days ago I was sure that Shepard and I were destined for one another but now I'm not so sure."

"You still are, I'm not challenging you for her." She didn't like admitting such a thing. For years she was told that nothing was impossible. She was simply given her resources and told to do it, but there was nothing she could do here accept what she felt was right. How could Shepard stand being so selfless all the time? She wondered.

"You're not?" Liara tilted her head in confusion. Miranda looked down before retreating back to the makeshift couch.

"No, I'm not. I can't compare to you Liara and even If I could, I couldn't give Shepard the future she deserves," She said and sighed before continuing. "…the family she deserves." She unconsciously ran her hand across her stomach feeling the barren wasteland that was there as no life would ever come of it. The action didn't go unnoticed by Liara and it reminded her of her own moment of weakness and desperation. During the meld with Shepard, she obviously saw the distress that her lover was in, how she felt she needed something to permanently tie the Asari to her always, to make her choice easier.

While Shepard wasn't thinking specifically about a child, Liara was. She could give the commander exactly what she wanted and put her mind at ease. It would be easy and she knew it, but at the last second she pulled back completely disgusted at her line of reasoning and thinking. How could she even consider bringing a life into the world simply to reaffirm her position as her lover? Especially into a world that was so dangerous and had no guarantee of survival. No, she couldn't bring her daughter into the chaos that was the world now even if she would have loved her with all her heart. How could she of been so selfish? By the goddess she loved that women but it was no excuse.

"That's not your choice to make." Miranda gazed up at the Asari and raised both eyebrows. How was it not her choice to make? She would not let Shepard put her future at risk simply because she was too stubborn to realize that she could not make everything right. As if sensing the internal struggle within the XO Liara spoke.

"We both know just how damn stubborn that woman is and if she decides that she does want you, she will have you." Liara hope that it wouldn't come to that but she couldn't ignore the possibility of it. Miranda could only nod.

"In the end I want Shepard to be happy with or without me." The XO could agree completely. Silence engulfed both of them but unlike before it wasn't uncomfortable and was actually soothing to the war torn souls of both women.

Hours had passed since the beginning of their talk and both women could feel the weight of the hour among them.

"I'm sorry that I have kept you for so long, I can be a bit wordy." Liara looked at the XO and saw how she nodded.

"You weren't supposed to agree with me." Liara let go a genuine laugh and was relieved to find it returned. The tension between the two of them was far from over but for now their punches were pulled and fangs were unsharpened.

"Let's get you back to the Normandy." Liara yawned.

Miranda nodded and allowed herself to be escorted back to the shuttle. The idea of falling asleep in her inviting bed pushed her forward. Just before she could walk through the shuttle bay doors, Miranda found herself being pulled into an embrace. Her instinct was to pull away but she didn't as she found the action oddly comforting. It was nice being understood completely even if it was from your competition.

"Be safe, Liara" Miranda pushed through the shuttle doors and entered the Kodiak. Liara watched it take off and head back to the Normandy which was orbiting the system above them.

When the doors to her quarters opened, she did not expect to see her commander sitting on her bed. She stopped dead in her tracks and stared at the commander. She was startled but quickly regained her composure.

"Shepard, what are you doing here?" Miranda looked at her quizzically.

"Edi told me that the shuttle would be arriving soon and…" She paused looking at everything in the room but Miranda. Her logic had been sound at least on paper; she would greet Miranda and ask how everything went. Yet now before her she realized how this could be considered an invasion of space.

"I wanted to check on you." Shepard left the bed and walked past the desk to stand in front of the XO. Shepard was only an inch or two taller than her but now she'd never felt so small.

"Well as you can see commander, I'm fine, thank you for checking up on me." She side stepped to move past Shepard, but the red haired woman countered her move and blocked her.

"Shepard, I am very tired."

The commander said nothing but instead let her actions speak for her. For the second time that night, Miranda was pulled close to someone, but unlike the first she didn't find herself completely paralyzed. Warm arms wrapped around her waist and she was held tightly as if to say nothing would ever harm her again. Oh how she wanted to believe in that false sense of security, but she couldn't, she knew better. Ignorance truly was bliss.

"I'm so sorry for all of this, "She said before rubbing her hands up and down the XO's back.

"You're not to blame for this, not entirely anyway." Miranda couldn't fight it anymore and laid her head on her shoulder, breathing in that wonderful smoky cinnamon smell. Shepard could only murmur in reply as she too breathed in her XO's smell. She was intoxicated.

"Besides I can take a little bit of irony, ice queen gets her faced cracked," She laughed sadly.

"I wouldn't have fallen in love with an ice queen." Miranda's eyes widened at the admission and the inferno that was slowly building in her raged out of control. She wanted to give in, to let her commander push her off the edge of a cliff and quickly run down to catch her again in the safety of her arms.

Her breathing became ragged and short. She knew where this would lead again if she didn't escape.

"Shepard you can let me go now." It was far from what she wanted. The warm embrace never left and her resolve wavered slightly.

"I suppose that I could...but maybe I don't want to."

"God, you are so incredibly stubborn, Shepard!"

"So I've been told."

"You can't have it both ways, Samantha!" The use of her first name in such a manner knocked her out of her trance.

"I know that and I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it too! I care about both of you." Shepard was lying to herself. She may have not realized it but she was doing that exact thing.

"There is no need for you to do so; I've already done that for you." She finally found the strength to push away from her grasp.

"You what?" Shepard shook her head in confusion.

"I'm not going to let you wreck your future, Samantha. So please just let me go already."

Shepard grunted in annoyance. How dare she try and make the decision for her? No she would not have it.

"That is not your choice to make; it's mine and mine alone!" Shepard glared at her.

"I am not some item to be won, Shepard! I am a grown women and I make my own decisions and that certainly covers who I want to…gah just leave already!" The XO pointed sternly towards the door.

"I don't have to go anywhere! I'm captain of this ship!" Shepard felt so minute and desperate that she gave into the urge to pull rank.

"You're standing there trying to pull rank? Shepard, I put you back together and I can certainly take you apart!" She concentrated biotic energy into the palm of her right hand.

"Try it!" Shepard called her bluff. It was a move that Shepard lived to regret.

She felt her body became suddenly enveloped and slammed powerfully against the adjacent wall. The commander grunted in pain but was thankful to know that Miranda hadn't used her full force. It was still sobering as she expected nothing at all. She now knew better than to consider her XO's words empty threats.

"Ok…You've made your point," she grunted.

"Not yet I haven't," Miranda stalked closer to the commander and she closed her eyes expecting a beating, but none came. Instead soft lips pressed against her own and the commander gasped at the contact. The gasp soon turned into a moan as she felt something moist and warm prodding at her lips seeking entrance. She gave in and let herself be lost in the pleasure. She failed to notice how the XO carried her towards the door out into the hallway.

She ended the kiss and pulled away from the commander who was currently on cloud nine completely unaware of her location.

"Goodnight, Commander." Miranda let go her biotic field around the commander go and dropped her onto the cold metallic surface. She blinked at the now red door.

"Goodnight, Miri."

AN: WHOO! Another chapter done! I have never written so much before in my life ; anywho I sorta need a decision from you guys.

Choice A: Stop the story where it is presently and go back to the first and second chapters (the ones before my beta rescued me from further embarrassment XD) rewrite them, make em longer and possibly add another entirely new chapter. This is to mostly to address the time frame and pacing issues.

Choice B: Do that very same thing but do it AFTER I have finished the story.

Choice C: Chalk It up to experience and don't do shit. Lol

I have a bit of bad news. I won't be updating as frequently anymore. School is on the 17th and it's a marathon until December. Ugh fml. Anywho all of you take care and thanks so much! Also don't worry the drama is not over yet :3


	6. Adrift

"I sure do have a knack for getting myself in screwed up situations." Shepard shook her head before pulling herself up from the cold floor. On autopilot, she made her way to her quarters, the only sanctuary she could think of at the moment. In her thoughts she'd started to do something she swore she would never do; comparing Miranda and Liara. She loathed herself for such an action but it was realistically the only way to solve things. She walked into her quarters and sat at her desk. She ran her rough calloused hand through her mane and sighed.

Liara was the love of her life regardless of how she felt about Miranda. To say anything else felt like a lie. The Asari had gone through hell itself to get her back and would do so again at a moment's notice. That kind of dedication humbled the commander and made her feel more loved than anyone else had ever done so before. Yet Liara had changed and she blamed herself for it. No, she had no plans of dying that day but she had and it pushed her sweet prothean scientist to the darker half of her personality. Even after the defeat of the shadow broker and the release of forbidden emotions that came to the surface, Samantha still occasionally found herself wondering if she had gotten her lover back fully. Losing someone took its toll on you, scarred you for life. Evidence of that was seen at how she approached the situation with Miranda with such a diplomatic response.

While the commander did indeed want a future with the Asari she didn't know if she could give her just that. Shepard had been a soldier for all of her life. She wouldn't know what to do with herself if she wasn't anymore. Her life was forged in combat, in the heat of battle and as bad as she wanted that "normal" life with Liara she just doubted she could give it. Even if the Asari let her have a simple mercenary job could she really willingly put her family through that? So many fears plagued at her mind that were never there before.

Miranda was her XO and over time grew to be her best friend. After the woman's feelings came to light as well as her own she wondered what her life with Miranda would be like. She knew Miranda wanted children but sadly could not have them. It was something that she would have never expected from her XO and it just proved to further chip away at the ice wall she'd presented herself with. She couldn't imagine the tame life with Miranda and it appealed to that soldier part of her personality. More than likely the two of them would simply roam around the galaxy together.

Yet she couldn't find that sort of life fulfilling either.

She dragged her hands down her face and rolled her eyes upwards. She couldn't possibly expect to have it both ways; she would have to choose one over the other. A decision she had been avoiding for quite some time now and though it shamed her to admit it finally, she had been playing both sides of the fence for far too long.

Coming to a decision she tapped a few keys on her personal terminal and made a secure encrypted transmission.

"Samantha?" Liara quizzically looked at her monitor before quickly pushing aside a monstrous amount of data pads. After Miranda left she decided to lose herself in work, hoping to push agonizing thoughts from her mind.

"I'm coming to get you." Shepard traced her hand down the monitor and begged she would not be questioned.

"But Samantha I have so much work to tend to and-"She stopped herself when she realized that Shepard was begging through her deep green eyes.

"Please just have Feron take care of it. I need you right now." She turned away and stared at her toy models.

"Alright, my love. Send the Kodiak down and I will be there soon." Luckily the Normandy was still in orbit.

Relieved, Shepard cut the connection and just like a dog would do while it waited for its master to come home, she stared at her doors impatiently as she waited Half an hour passed and the doors to her quarters opened revealing the asari. Shepard's heart fluttered at seeing her again and it was then she realized that Liara truly was her center. She quickly pulled the woman into her arms; holding onto her for dear life.

"Samantha what is wrong?" She pulled away from the commander but let her arms stay wrapped around her neck.

"Do you remember that hotel…um Azure?" Shepard pulled the woman even closer to her.

"Why yes; it is where we defeated Vasir, but what does that have to do with anything, Samantha?" confused she wonder why her commander would ask about such a place but she had to laugh as she remembered when she told her what "Azure" meant.

"I was thinking that we could go there for a few days, just the two of us." Shepard lowered her head and nuzzled against the Asari's neck.

"Shepard this is hardly the time for play." She gasped at the contact and it reminded her of just how long it had been since the two of them had been intimate.

"It's not for play, at least not entirely. I just want to talk to you, away from all of this." She slid her hands up and down Liara's arms, marveling the feel of smooth skin under her hands.

"Illium is quite a ways out, what do we do until then?" She questioned.

"Bed."

"Shepard…." She warned. The commander cringed whenever Liara used a name for her outside of "Samantha."It was usually the first sign that she was in some sort of trouble.

"No seriously! I'm tired and I know you're tired despite what you might say. So why can't we be tired and sleepy in the same bed for a few hours?"

"That sounds good actually." Liara lowered her head and nuzzled against the hollow of Shepard's neck.

"Good," Shepard said as she reached down and grabbed Liara's hands pulling her towards the bed.

0-0-0-0-0

"Perhaps kissing Shepard had been a bad idea." Miranda said to herself as she paced the length of her room. Her thoughts drifted towards the night the two of them spent together locked in passion and each other's embrace. Could she really give up her chance to be happy all because she wanted to do the right thing? The universe was hardly fair and she felt that alone entitled her to play "dirty." While Miranda knew Shepard's love for Liara was stronger that didn't mean she couldn't nurture and help her own seed of love to grow to rival Liara's.

She knew she would have to put everything on the line; expose herself on an even deeper level. The thought scared her worse than anything as she'd already been revealing herself too much currently for her own taste. Her ice castle was her sanctuary; it kept others from getting close and had worked for her for years. Yet she couldn't help but notice how ungodly lonely she was now; something she would have never noticed if Shepard had not come blazing through.

She knew the choice was ultimately with Shepard but there was nothing wrong with using her ways to her advantage to help tilt the odds in her favor. She knew what she felt for Shepard was real and far from a silly crush. It wasn't lust either because she wanted a long term relationship with the commander. The hell with being civil, she would pull out every stop to have her "Forbidden Fruit" if it would have her.

She just needed time to think.

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Plush white sheets pressed at the commander's back as she lay in bed staring up at the high rising ceiling of the hotel, Azure. For two days she forgot her worries and cares as she let the hotel cater to her every need. There was no situation with Miranda, no reapers threatening galactic destruction, just two women who basked in the glow of each other. She was so at peace that she'd completely forgotten about why she was here but unfortunately her lover had not.

"Shepard?" The commander cringed again at the use of her last name and the purpose of this date suddenly came rushing back to her. She sighed and lifted herself from the bed making her way over to the table where Liara sat. The asari closed her terminal that was linking her back to her base of operations. Even though she had left Feron in charge it couldn't have hurt to check up on him.

"I know…I've been deflecting at what I have wanted to talk to you about." Shepard nervously scratched the back of her head.

"I know that you have been hiding something based on our melds but I wanted you to come to me on your own time." She got up from her chair and left Shepard in her wake, lying on the bed with her back propped up against the large white pillows. She then patted the space between her legs inviting the commander over. Shepard smiled and took the offer. She'd never been in this sort of position with Liara before; normally she was the one holding the asari but she wouldn't complain about the role reversal. Having her back pressed against a strong but lithe chest and arms wrapped around her waist made her feel safe.

"Tell me what troubles you my love." The asari pressed her nose against Shepard's neck taking in her scent. The commander's head swam as it became clouded with feelings of lust and memories of their melds. She shook her head to cast aside those distracting thoughts and did her best to calm down; for what she was about to ask could be life changing.

"Remember what I said about marriage old age and lot of little blue children?" Liara gave a wordless acknowledgement.

"I meant every word but now I have doubts." She'd face geth, krogan battlemasters and rogue specters but neither could compare to the amount of adrenaline coursing through her veins now.

"Why, my love?" Liara's eyes grew slightly in alarm.

"I don't know if I can give you that life. I mean being a soldier is all I know. What right do I have to put you and our daughters through that? You don't deserve to sit and wonder if your mate and the father…"She wasn't sure of term she could use as "Sire" seemed far too impersonal

."…of your children is gonna come home or be gone for long periods at a time. Then there's the fact that you're so young. You are barely an adult by Asari standards and even with my cybernetics I can't imagine I'd live to be around past 200 years. Then there's the very simple fact of who I am; I don't want our children to feel pressure because of me. "Shepard laid all of her concerns to bare praying that they would be understood.

For a few moments Liara didn't say a word and instead decided pull her commander even closer to her. She wanted to tell this woman that everything would be ok that they would figure something out but she wasn't exactly sure how.

"These are valid concerns that you have," She nodded her head in affirmation.

"My love I'm not trying to change you. Why would I try and change the woman I've fallen so deeply in love with?" Liara kissed the delicate skin behind her ear.

"But Liara…"

"But nothing, Samantha. You should see this as a challenge and I've never seen you shy away from one before. Why start now?"

"I'm just scared, Liara," Shepard shifted uncomfortably.

"So am I my love, but we will face whatever comes our way…together," She smiled and squeezed her hand to reassure her.

"I just don't know what I am going to do about Miranda." Jealously flooded the veins of the Asari at the mention of the sentinel's name. She'd played civil earlier but she could no longer hide the green eyed monster that threatened to engulf her. She cursed herself for even putting the idea in her commander's head. It seemed like a good idea at the time but now she could only berate herself for being so "diplomatic" towards things.

The gloves had come off and if Miranda wanted her commander then she would have to go through her and she did not intend on making it easy.

"We will cross that bridge if and when we come to it but for now let us sleep." Shepard could feel the asari smile against her neck.

"Is that what we're calling it now?" She smiled playfully.

"You are incorrigible, Samantha."

0-0-0-0-0-0

The three days at the hotel passed far too fast for Shepard's taste and the journey back to the ship, back to her "problems" made her head ache. Her time spent with Liara did bring peace to her chaotic soul but she still had her doubts. Again she found herself cursing Miranda for bringing such doubts to light but it wasn't fair to blame the sentinel. With Liara tucked safely away in her quarters and the ship on course to Halgaz; Shepard saw fit to make her rounds like she did normally.

She stood beside Joker with her arms crossed staring out the viewport as they had just passed through the relay.

"You know commander while I do appreciate the down time; my trigger finger is getting itchy." It was as thought Joker read her mind and she nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, after the collector base things have been pretty tame around here, but better be careful what you wish for. So how are things with you and Edi?"

"I think she's starting to develop a personality, Commander. An annoying one," He rolled his eyes.

"Strange I haven't noticed a big change," Shepard rubbed at her chin.

"No she keeps this sorta thing confined betw-" Joker's chair started to spin.

"ARGH! QUIT IT EDI!"

"I'm sorry Jeff, but annoying you is most amusing." The VI spoke with a hint of laughter in its voice.

"Ya see that! Maybe I should have just let the collectors carry me off."

"I should go, "Shepard smiled and shook her head before patting Joker on the back.

"Cya Commander,"Joker waved over his shoulder as he was too busy glaring at the holographic representation of Edi.

Shepard made her way to the elevator and when the doors opened revealing Miranda she gasped in surprised.

"Um sorry about that, Miranda, "She nervously rubbed the back of her neck looking down and then moved to side step the XO.

Miranda "accidently" matched her movements, bumping into the commander as she pressed the palm of her hand against her chest.

"Oh, Pardon me, commander." She glanced upwards at the commander with half lidded eyes and a sly smiled graced her lips. Samantha knew exactly what she was doing but was practically powerless to stop it.

The XO pulled away and made sure to sway her hips just enough for Shepard to notice. She was locked in a trance and she couldn't look away if she wanted to. Damn what was it about this woman that spoke to her most primal of urges? Shepard nearly ran into the elevator to get away from the unforgiving temptress.

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"Samantha, you're delaying,"Liara squeezed her hands firmly, not really minding at all at Shepard's obvious attempt to stay longer.

"I know I know you must get back to the duties of the shadow broker…and to save the VI from Feron's wrath," Both women chuckled.

They kissed and it lasted until the lungs of both women screamed for air. Shepard was left breathless as she pulled away and made her way to the Kodiak. Liara watched the shuttled until it disappeared out of sight.

"Goodnight, my love."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

She was spent and emotionally drained; all she wanted to do was crash in her bed and stay there. She was fully prepared to do so as the doors to her quarters opened but when she saw what lay on her bed she knew sleep was out of the question.

"Miranda, what are you doing here?" She stayed rooted to the floor near her door because she knew if she went any closer she'd go into a lustful frenzy.

"Returning the favor, remember how you checked up on me earlier?" Shepard did of course remember doing that but what she didn't remember was lying seductively on her bed in the process.

"I'm really tired Miranda." She wasn't lying; she really was tired but her mind would have none of it.

"What? Tired?" She rose from the bed slowly making sure that Shepard would catch every curve of her voluptuous body. She would tease and taunt her commander until she got exactly what she wanted.

"Miranda we have to stop this," She panted as warm hands pressed firmly at her chest and hot breaths bathed her ear. Her body was betraying her as it always did in Miranda's presence.

"Why not?" The XO didn't give her the chance to answer before pressing dominantly against the commander; forcing her into the adjacent wall where she had her pinned. She felt powerless to this woman's whims but she had to at least make the effort.

"Because this is just lust," She gasped when she felt teeth bite into her tender flesh and she instinctively angled her neck to allow the XO better access. What she felt for the commander was more than lust but she wouldn't lie and say that it wasn't at the forefront of her mind.

With every ounce of restraint she could gather; she grabbed Miranda's shoulders and forced her away.

"Miranda, please," She squeezed her shoulders, begging for her to stop.

"Why Samantha?" She felt like a bucket of cold water had been thrown over the raging fire that burned in her.

"Liara.."

"She has nearly a thousand years to find someone!" She glared upwards at the commander daring her to cross her.

"Her longevity shouldn't be used against her!"

"Just as your defense of this just being simple lust shouldn't be used either!" Shepard relented and allowed the wall behind her to fully support her weight.

"I do care about you, Miranda but…wait what about your whole speech about not ruining my life?" She crossed her arms awaiting an answer.

"I will not lose my chance to be happy just because I want to do the "right" thing!" without warning she gently grabbed the commander's face and pulled her close. Full lips pressed hotly against Shepard's. Unlike their previous kiss; it wasn't full of neither lust nor physical need but it screamed of loneliness and want all the same. The commander gave in and pulled her close returning the kiss but she was in for a rude awakening as Miranda pulled away. The fires of lust had been put out completely and there was no chance of renewing them tonight.

"If you need me I'll be in my quarters, Samantha," She lingered for a moment and then made her way towards the door leaving the flustered and lost commander in her wake.

"Miranda…"

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AN: phew. I wanted to get out one last update before school started and I managed to do so for which I am happy about. However I have to be honest with you guys and say part of me is getting discouraged. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving this but when I read from such great writers that I look up to I can't help but feel like a guppy in a pool full of sharks. Anywho chapters 1 and 2 have been rewritten and I think the flow has been addressed better. You guys rock; and even tho I'm scared shitless I want to keep trying for you.

PS. God I'm an idiot, I realized that I uploaded my post beta documents for the two previous chapters instead of the corrected ones. Gotta find the correct ones. God being stupid should be painful lol.


	7. The truth in confusion

AN: Wouldn't it be awesome if we could trade twilight's story count, currently standing at 195,110 with Mass Effect's current story count which is sadly only at 5,166. I mean we would be able to read for many years and *receives death threats from twilight fans* awww fu- I wanted to try for some action but it might be hit or miss.

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"Perfect!" Miranda shouted a she overloaded the shields of a combat drone. A few days after their previous encounter, Shepard received a blessing in the form a cry of help. At the news, the warrior in her flared to life and begged to be bathed in the fires of combat. She couldn't resist even if she wanted to. The commander could never turn down the opportunity to help even if those receiving it didn't exactly deserve it. This also had the added bonus of getting her mind off things. On some backwater planet which Shepard quickly forgot the name of, scientists had apparently been betrayed by one of their own. She couldn't be surprised in the least as that was the exact same situation she herself woke up in. That is of course if one considered Wilson to be a Scientist. She was pretty sure that there were more details about why but she couldn't be bothered with them. Miranda was her first choice as a squad mate but she quickly pushed such a thought away. The pair was as in sync as any pair could be on the battle field but with recent revelations she couldn't afford the possible distraction.

Grunt usually accompanied her as well and he was going without question. She knew all Krogan lusted for battle but she noticed how Grunt seemed to lust for it exceptionally so. Perhaps it was because he was so young and had yet to "curb" his appetite for battle; she wasn't sure but wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. Even if she didn't bring him along she'd just feel guilty and that was the last thing she needed; more guilt. Her relationship with Grunt was an odd one, one she could never quite put her finger on. The closest thing that came to mind was a kid brother; a kid brother who wanted to blaze a path of wanton destruction but one none the less and she found she was happy to oblige.

She wondered to herself; just who would replace Miranda on such a mission? Thoughts traveled to her turian brother, Garrus and just as she was about to have EDI page him she heard the elevator doors open revealing a seething annoyed XO.

"What is this? I hope you're not about to go on a mission without me because you are surely mistaken!" Miranda walked sternly up to the commander and demanded an explanation. As her XO she too got mission details forwarded to her but when she didn't hear the call from Shepard she knew something was amiss. She did not could not allow anyone to take her place no matter how small the mission might have been. She couldn't leave anything to chance and quite frankly couldn't let someone else fight alongside the commander without her supervision. Yes, it was her protective side coming to life again but she didn't care.

Seeing that she would not win this fight, Shepard relented allowing Miranda to come along with her and Grunt. She could have easily pulled rank on the XO but she remembered the results of doing that last time and the last thing she wanted or needed was an event in the CIC. Grunt who stood beside Shepard could only stare on in confusion. How could this squishy woman, as he so elegantly put it, order his battlemaster around? What was worse is that she allowed it!

Miranda angrily walked away back towards the elevator to head down to the shuttle bay. Grunt looked between the now closed doors of the elevator and his battlemaster.

"Battlemaster?" He looked to Shepard curiously.

"Grunt, one day you will realize that not all battles can be won with strength."

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

The fight so far had gone without a hitch as the trio tore through wave after wave of drones. Shepard wondered to herself just how many damn things there were as the end didn't seem anywhere in sight. She hid behind a few chest high metallic crates before firing a shockwave sending the group of mechs flying. She glanced at her XO from the corner of her eye and noticed how she was twenty or thirty feet away from her. This itself was no problem as Shepard recommended that the three of them spread out as to thin out enemy fire, but something was severely off about the woman and had been since the start of the fight. Shepard noticed that she had become a lot more aggressive and tapped into her biotics far more than usual. It might have been her way of dealing with things, which the commander could only respect.

"HA! I came here wanting a challenge!" Grunted yelled across the battlefield as he crushed the head of a drone. The commander could only shake her head at the Krogan while ejecting a thermal clip from her shotgun. An indignant cry could be heard on the other side of the commander and she turned just in time to see Miranda use slam to crush yet another drone into the ground. The cry had seemed so far away barely audible to Shepard's ears and when she turned her head her fears were confirmed; Miranda was too far away.

"REGROUP!" Grunt did as he was told but Miranda either didn't get the order or refused to acknowledge it. Lost in the heat of battle, Miranda had unknowingly moved further and further away from the safety of her two teammates. While she was still holding her own, she was becoming more surrounded by drones.

"MIRANDA GET BACK HERE NOW!" This mission was supposed to be an easy one, yet her XO was making it difficult to some degree. She knew her second in command could handle herself but even she had her limits.

"Come on, Grunt. We've gotta help Miranda." The Krogan only nodded and followed his battlemaster towards the thick of battle, but their progress was slowed down tremendously from more attacks. The sentinel was running on empty but she couldn't care less as she laid waste to more and more drones. She had never pushed her biotics so far but as the last drone fell at her feet she had an overwhelming sense of pride at her abilities. Still a ways away, the commander looked up as the battlefield became eerily quiet. With well over a decade of combat under her belt, the commander knew when something was wrong and the hairs that stood on the back of her neck confirmed it.

A loud ringing sound could be heard behind the wall that Miranda stood in front of a few yards away. Suddenly the wall exploded throwing the exhausted XO a dozen feet.

"MIRANDA!" Shepard stood rooted in place by shock as the dust cleared revealing the rogue scientist in a gargantuan mechsuit . Its weapon sights aimed towards the vulnerable XO. Without so much as a single thought, blue energy cracked around the vanguard and engulfed her. It lit every nerve on fire, heightened every sense and within seconds she found herself charging towards the cockpit of the mechsuit. Time slowed down to a crawl for the XO as she saw an aura of blue blaze across the battlefield. When the impact was made time suddenly sped back up. The biotic charge was a force to be reckoned with but it was not meant to go toe to toe with reinforced steel. Consequences be damned, Shepard had to protect her XO, but even she had no clue just how severe the consequences would be. The sickening sound of bone and sinew snapping made its way to Miranda's ears. Armor cracked and gave away falling to the ground and in the process exposing Shepard's bare shoulder to the elements. The commander knew she had not only broken her right arm but knocked it out of place as well; as she had used it to ram the mech. However like a shark thrown into a feeding frenzy by a drop of blood, Shepard could care less. The glass of the cockpit shattered causing the scientist to raise his hand to protect his face. The move, while successful in saving Miranda proved only to cause the mech to stumble and it quickly regained its footing. Shepard fell to the scorched earth and had to fight off the urge to black out as her head swam and her vision became unfocused.

The arm of the mech rose in order to crush Shepard but long before it could connect, Grunt fired a round of incendiary ammo into the servos of the arm causing it to stop functioning. Shepard saw this opportunity and used what last bit of strength she had to pull the delusional scientist from the cockpit. With his body surrounded by a biotic field he was slammed unceremoniously to the ground, safely away from the mech which now stopped working. Knowing that her teammates were safe, the commander gave in and collapsed, escaping the world of hurt she'd put herself into.

Just as she did Miranda finally found the strength to pull herself together. When she saw her commander lying helplessly on the ground she was propelled forward before she could even find her proper footing. She stumbled to Shepard's side checking her vital signs to make sure she was alright which thankfully she was. Grunt had nearly given in to checking on her as well but such action seemed odd to the one he considered his battlemaster. She did not need his pity or concern so instead he directed his anger towards the scientist.

With the scientist dealt with, Grunt made his way over to Shepard. He was disgusted over how Miranda doted over her like she was a little girl. She was a warrior just like he was and he would not allow this to go on any longer. He grabbed the commander and threw her over his shoulder, making his way to the Kodiak.

"She's not a damn Krogan! Be careful with her!" Miranda shouted in anger and Grunt only snorted in reply.

"She wouldn't be in this mess if you had listened to orders!" Miranda bit her lip and glared at the Krogan knowing he was right. She opted to say nothing else as the Kodiak came into view but before they could board, Shepard began to stir to life.

"What in the hell hit me?" She blinked repeatedly trying to clear her vision.

"HAHA! More like what _YOU _hit, battlemaster!" He sat her down in the Kodiak before it took off heading back towards the Normandy.

"Oh yeah…that wasn't very smart of me." She laughed as blood dripped over cracked lips.

"Commander…"

"We'll talk later, Miranda." She prodded at her right arm which hung lifelessly by her side. The XO merely nodded while berating herself internally. She was getting sloppy, reckless and unhinged all because she wanted to prove her worth to her commander. Truth be told, she'd done that already dozens of times over but she needed to prove it on an entirely different level. She scared herself at how she was acting so out of character when Shepard was concerned, but she knew the fight to have her commander would not be an easy one and that she would surprise herself even more later.

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With grunt in tow, Miranda helped Shepard to the medical bay where Dr. Chakwas was ready for her. The good doctor thought by now she would be used to seeing the commander look like she got chewed up and spat out but unfortunately she hadn't.

"Argh, you squishies and your emotions are getting to me; I'm going back to engineering!" He was concerned about Shepard but wasn't about to show it so vividly like the rest did. Miranda glared at the Krogan just before he left and turned her attention back to Shepard.

"You're a magnet for trouble, Shepard," Chakwas said as she stripped away shattered armor to better attend to the commander's arm.

"So I've noticed, Doc," She said while looking at Miranda and the XO had to wonder if that comment had a double meaning.

"I am surprised you're still awake and coherent seeing that the mechanism that delivers your medi gel in your armor failed."

"I am too stubborn to quit." She laughed.

"Commander, about that arm…" she trailed off.

"I know…just please sedate me already."

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With one arm wrapped securely around Shepard's waist, the XO helped her into her room and into her bed. She was careful to be gentle with the woman and didn't want to disturb her right arm which Dr. Chakwas had recently put back into place. Luckily her arm had only been fractured and would heal in a few days but the doctor insisted on her using a sling to allow her tendons and connective tissue to heal faster. When she figured that the commander was comfortable, Miranda turned to leave but was stopped by words she could have sworn she imagined.

"Don't go."

She turned to see the commander prop herself up against her pillows and take off her sling.

"Shepard, you need your rest and you need to put that back on." She chastised her gently.

"Please?" Miranda sighed and gave in, sitting on the bed beside her commander. She gasped when she felt a warm arm wrap around her waist and pull her down. Shepard wasn't sure if it was the drugs or the fact that she nearly witnessed her XO get killed in front of her but she didn't want her out of her sight, she didn't want her second in command anywhere else but her protective arms. Miranda allowed herself to be pulled into the embrace and she accepted it graciously. Shepard shifted herself until she was on her side. Discomfort or not she wanted to fully embrace this woman. She murmured softly to herself as she buried her face in Miri's luscious black mane inhaling her scent.

"I can't stay." She didn't mean those words in the slightest. She was a conundrum even to herself. One moment she was an unrelenting temptress who saw what she wanted and swore to have it. Yet now she found herself shying away from the woman when she gave her, her undivided attention.

"Say yes." Shepard let go a deep throaty purr which sent a wave of arousal down the XO's spine but surprisingly enough sex was the furthest thing from Shepard's mind. Miranda stopped with the weak protests and slipped off her heels before pressing more against her commander.

"Samantha…?"

"Nope, not talking now. Sleep."

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Morning was merely a concept on a ship that usually was on the move through the regions of space but the ship did make small but noticeable changes to simulate morning such as gradually increasing the lighting in quarters. Miranda blinked her eyes as she awoke and nearly jumped out of her skin before recognizing her surroundings. It all came flooding back to her at how she had spent the night with Shepard and through the pair had not had sex they definitely had been intimate. Something that proved to be even more satisfying than mere physical touch. Yet Miranda wasn't above admitting that she did feel the ghost like touches of the thoughts of it tickling at the back of her mind.

"Good morning." It was the only warning she got before Shepard buried her face into the crook of her neck. Miranda moaned at the contact and though she appreciated it, it only served to push those less than honorable thoughts to the forefront of her mind. Surely Shepard felt the same as she did. She dozed there for a few moments longer and then pressed her lips delicately upon her XO's neck.

"What were you doing out there, Miranda?" She said in between kisses. Miranda had to get a grip on herself as blood began to travel elsewhere. Everything that came to mind seemed like a weak excuse on why she acted the way she did and so she merely shook her head.

"I don't know."

"Well next time you find yourself wanting to fight like a maniac around the battlefield, do me a favor and don't. If something happened to you, I don't know what I would do," She confirmed her fear of losing her by tightening her grip around her.

"It won't happen again," Miranda's voice lowered timidly.

"Good." Quiet enveloped the pair but it wasn't without the heavy sense of something in the air. Was it anticipation or was it fear? Was it the curiosity that burned in the back of her mind about the woman she held in her arms now?

"Miranda?" She called almost shyly.

"Yes?"

"What do you want from this life?" This was her opportunity her moment to lay all of her cards on the table before the commander. As comfortable and as welcoming as it was she left her commander's embrace to sit up on the bed.

"I certainly don't want to gallop around the galaxy for the rest of my life. I know there's more to life than just flying around fighting the bad guys yet I can't help but feel that's all I have." Shepard blinked in surprise before propping herself up with her good arm and moving to sit beside her XO. Maybe she was too quick to judge this woman.

"Why is that?" Shepard asked. Miranda took a deep breath and pushed away from the bed.

"I know it might be hard to consider given my past and history with you but…" Shepard gave her time to collect herself.

"I do want a family." She stopped at the fish tank crossing her arms unable to look at the commander. The last ice wall had finally fallen; shattering violently upon impact. Shepard was compelled to move forward and wrap the XO in her embrace. With her heart exposed to the elements Miranda looked down not liking the feeling of being completely out in the open. Shepard reached up gently grabbing the XO's chin tilting it back upwards.

"Heh…you must think I am a mess, Samantha. One moment I'm chastising you about putting your future on the line for me and then the next I am chasing you like an adolescent school girl. I don't like being confused!" Her resolve to let her commander have her life with Liara had quickly waned but now it flared again. She felt trapped in a violent storm that threw her in one direction and then quickly the other. Facing such uncertainty, such doubt about herself made her confidence lower.

"Don't, I hate it when you do that to yourself." Shepard stared at her reflection.

"Do what, Samantha?" She gazed back at green eyes.

"Doubt yourself." She stroked her cheek.

"Listen I don't where things will lead with us but, I'm not gonna leave you out in the cold and I'm not going to forget last night." Miranda turned in her commander's embrace to return it. While her resolve to have her commander didn't waver as much as she initially thought, perhaps if she didn't win her she could at least take comfort in the fact that there was someone who understood her. As much as she didn't want to she pulled away from her commander but grabbed her hands in the process.

"I should go." Miranda smiled.

"Don't I at least get a goodnight kiss?"

"It's morning." The XO deadpanned.

"Get over here!" Shepard playfully pulled the woman to her and kissed her warmly. Miranda returned it with gusto.

"I'll see you soon." The commander smiled as the doors to her cabin open letting her XO out and then closed.

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A/N: I am supposed to be doing school work! Damn you guys 3 I got bit by the writing bug and couldn't let it go. I swear I am going back to commission work and school work! I have been doing a ton of thinking about Miranda and Liara. No I am not leaning towards one or the other just yet. I'm simply making the battleground between the two of them even. One last thing before I depart. As much as I love Liara(and again this is not me leaning towards Miranda) I think it's unfair for her to automatically get the seniority card. Both her and Miranda developed feelings in roughly the same amount of time and you have to remember Shepard was dead for two years. So from a logical standpoint Liara and Miranda are pretty even other than the fact that a relationship came from Liara's. I dunno that's just what I think. Agree? Disagree? Tell me let's talk about this D:

Until next time guys =3


	8. Torn Asunder

AN: I have read this over and over again to the point of my eyes bleeding, watched DLC's(the only dlc I have is lotsb), play through both games to get a feel for things, and checked facts via the mass effect wiki. If something seems off about the universe please tell me. This is so hard to keep up with lol. I wouldn't want to do a shitty job towards the mass effect universe like I hear Deception did (the fourth novel)

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_Liara was the first person who entered her mind when she was first brought back to life, but when she opened her eyes, her now XO had been the first person she'd seen. The thought of her love not making it off the ship in time sent her heart racing. She tried to move but her body would not listen to her. She only succeeded in lifting her right arm which was quickly yet gently placed back onto the medical table._

"_Relax, Shepard." She had no clue who this woman was but strangely enough she'd brought her comfort. She looked upwards at the raven haired women before her entire body went limp and she collapsed back into darkness._

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Shepard blinked when the sandman let go of his hold over her. Dreaming about her rebirth was a welcomed but odd change of pace. It was far better than dreaming of thresher maws or being spaced but it came with its own set of problems as well. She had always felt that dreams sorted things out and put them in their proper place but now they only made her internal struggle all the more dire. Just barely over a month ago the XO was merely her best friend, her confidant but now the two had become more to each other. If anything the dream only proved further that she needed to resolve things.

On her back, Shepard rolled her head to the left glancing at the XO who slept peacefully beside her. Her head rose with each breath the commander took as a smile graced her features. Her heart melted at the sight and before she knew it, she reached out stroking the side of her face. Unruly raven locks cascaded down Shepard's chest, only stopping their descent as they fell to the wayside.

It was frustratingly cute how Miranda kept insisting that she sleep with Shepard. Sleeping in her own quarters only compounded her loneliness and she wanted to be near the commander whenever possible. Shepard resisted at first but caved like a house of cards, unable to deny the XO her request. She stared at the XO a bit longer and just gave in, kissing the top of her head. Miranda murmured and buried her head deeper into the crook of her commander's neck. The last two weeks had passed all too quickly for the commander.

She sighed in bliss before it suddenly crumbled and she came crashing back to the harsh reality around her. She slowly and carefully slid out of bed, making sure not to disturb Miranda in the process or disturbing her when she dressed. She paused at the door to look at the XO thoughtfully before continuing out.

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"AH! Kasumi you've gotta stop that crap!" Shepard whirled around and glared at the thief. Kasumi shrugged and laughed loudly before making her way into the mess hall to no doubt fix herself a bowl of Ramen.

"What? I wasn't even cloaked that time!" She patted Shepard's shoulder playfully who finally relaxed. "I do this sorta thing naturally. I sneak up on people even when I don't mean to." Shepard sat down at the table and yawned, dragging her hand down her face. If she wasn't mentally tired, she was physically tired. It was rare that she got a break from both. She had to wonder if her stomach led her down to the mess hall as it now rumbled and complained about a lack of subsistence. She didn't have a destination in mind when she left.

"Wow either you're really hungry or the reapers are attacking." Kasumi peeked over the counter from behind where Sergeant Gardner worked. She held various pots and pans and arranged them over the stovetop.

"Uh don't you remember how Gardner nearly bit your head off at the last time you messed with his things?" Shepard smirked while resting her head on the palm of her hand.

"Shepard, I thought you knew me better than that," She shook her head before making her way into the cupboard. "I would rob my own grandmother blind for her recipe of ramen. I certainly have no qualms about upsetting an old cook." She pulled out various spices along with packages of noodles before making her way to the fridge to grab meat and vegetables.

"You know you could just buy those cheap packs of ramen. It would save you the trouble of cooking and-"She didn't get to finish.

"I'll be damned if I eat those bastardizations of ramen again!" She was serious.

"OK! It was just a suggestion…jeez," Shepard rolled her eyes. The thief let out a small chuckle and began to prepare her meal. The commander usually hated quietness but as Kasumi happily cooked she couldn't help but feel the relief from all the noise her dream had created for her. She was only knocked out of her thoughts by Kasumi presenting her with a rather large bowl of ramen.

"Thanks, but I didn't exactly have my heart set on ramen for break-"

"Eat it or I will force you back into that little black dress with the shoes to match." The thief couldn't force the commander to do anything she didn't want to but the threat of having to wear that again was real enough.

"Do you have any idea of how embarrassing that dress was! Not to mention those shoes! I had to get Miranda to teach me how to walk in them and I still have blisters from that!" Her feet ached from just hearing it alone. A mischievous look came to Kasumi's eyes at the mention of the XO as she twirled her ramen on the end of her chop sticks.

"Now that you mention the XO, I wonder where she is right now," She said innocently. Shepard chose to fill up her mouth with ramen instead of answering the question directly. She merely shrugged her shoulders and slurped down her noodles.

"Maybe she would like some ramen; her room is right down the hallway."

"She's probably sleeping."

"Too bad. oh well ,more for you and me I guess." Shepard hoped in vain that Kasumi would move away from the subject but she didn't. Once something had Kasumi's attention it pretty much consumed her. She wasn't obsessive by any means but whenever something was surrounded by mystery she just had to know. Of course with this particular mystery she had a good idea of what was going on.

"I have noticed how Miranda has developed a little pep in her step during the last few weeks. Smiling to herself when she thinks no one can see her or humming happily. You wouldn't know anything about that would you?" Shepard gulped but luckily the action was followed by her swallowing her noodles.

"Nope."

"I see, perhaps She and Jacob rekindled things." Kasumi knew damn well Miranda wouldn't even consider giving Jacob the time of day again, but it was so much fun teasing poor Shepard. A course of possessiveness passed through Shepard but she did her best to hide it. However, Kasumi could see through the marine like the crystal clear waters on the beaches of Virmire.

"But who else could possibly spurn the affections of the icy XO?" She mused to herself playfully and tapped her chop sticks.

"She's NOT an ice queen….crap!" Shepard hissed and turned her head, quickly recognizing her mistake.

"Oh? She's not

"Cut the crap, Kasumi. You know don't you?" Shepard pushed away her bowl of ramen and sighed. She just had to face the facts; she was caught.

"I had my suspicions…you gonna finish that?" Kasumi quizzically looked at the left over ramen and then back at the commander.

"No, I suddenly don't feel like eating anymore." The thief poured what was left of Shepard's ramen into her own bowl. "Just how did you figure things out, Kasumi?" The thief looked up at her and thought carefully about her words. For now she would relent teasing the commander.

"I know love when I see it." She reminisced about her time with Keiji and the feelings that the man embedded in her. Shepard had never said those three small but powerful words to Miranda, fearful of the possibility she didn't mean them. Rarely did the commander second guess her motives, ambitions or feelings but with something so fragile on the line she had to.

"How long?"

"Just over a month."

"Do you love her?" Shepard hesitated at the use of those three words. She did care about Miranda but didn't feel it was fair to say those words to her unless she was sure of a commitment.

"I care about her a lot and-"

"Stop bullshitting, Shepard."

"Ok…I love her," The commander sighed as the words she kept to herself for so long rolled off her tongue.

"But you love Liara as well?" The commander nodded as the thief pushed aside her own left over ramen, mimicking Shepard's earlier actions.

"I could take Miranda off your hands." The mischievous part of the thief turned and returned with a vengeance. Shepard glared at her and twitched her left eyebrow. This was no time for joking but trying to make Kasumi take anything seriously for a certain amount of time was a challenge.

"Or Liara. I wouldn't mind the whole mind sex thing." She playfully mused while rubbing her cheek.

"Goodbye, Kasumi," Shepard pushed away from the table to leave.

"Oh come on I'm just joking! Get that stick out of your butt already. "

"This is serious!" She sighed and sat back down.

"I know it is, sorry. Listen…I can't help but think this suggestion is going to be met with a lot of resistance but hear me out…threesome?" Shepard stared at the thief like she suggested stealing the declaration of independence.

"Are you out of your mind!" She tilted her head, making sure she read the woman right.

"Be open- minded Shepard!

"Not about that!"

"Listen, who are we or anyone for that matter, to decide what love is and what it should consist of? If you love both of them well, you just love both of them. I mean at one point in time back on earth it was taboo for the same sex couples to be together but now we're dating aliens! Human's with Krogans, Turians with humans. Volus with hu- My god that was a mental image I regret." The thought had never entered Shepard's mind until now but she certainly wasn't going to consider the idea.

"No that is something I would never do. I have made my bed by allowing myself to fall for Miranda and I have to lay in it." She nodded firmly to herself

"You act as if you asked to fall for Miranda. You can't help how you feel and I know for certain you don't regret it. I have noticed a pep in your step as well." She smiled at the commander. Shepard blushed and turned away unable to look the thief in the face. It was true, despite the amount of trouble she was in she didn't regret one moment with Miranda. She just wished she could fix It so everyone was happy but there was only one her.

"Thanks, Kasumi." She wasn't anywhere close to a solution or an answer but talking to the thief proved to be very therapeutic.

"Welcome and remember there are worse things that could happen; like being in a reaper full of rats. Reapers!" Shepard pushed away from the table again but this time laughing.

"Ah, yes reapers! I have dismissed that claim!" Shepard added the legendary air quotations as well.

"If you keep this up you might actually slip up and have a good time!" Kasumi pushed away from the table as well to see her commander off.

"Yeah, whatever, listen do me a favor and clean up this mess before Gardner comes in. I'm not in the mood to play peace keeper." She pushed her chair back in and made her way towards the elevator.

"Sure sure…tell Miranda I said hi!" Shepard, with her back turned to Kasumi stiffened a little and rubbed the back of her neck before continuing forward.

"Ah, like shooting fish in a barrel."

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Miranda stirred, teetering on the fine line between being asleep and awake. She instinctively reached out to pull the commander closer to her, but when she didn't feel the warm body there she awoke fully. She searched around the room for her commander but she was nowhere in sight and came to the conclusion that she must have went down to the lower decks for something. She brought the pillow that Shepard slept on closer to her. Inhaling the strong intoxicating smell of her commander which reminded her of the memories that lapped at her mind from the night before.

"_I need you…" A lust filled voice panted._

"_Then take me." An equally lust filled voice panted back._

Her encounter with the commander was as filled with lust as it was with true affection for the other. She couldn't imagine sharing herself with anyone else. Remembering the night before proved to light yet another fire within her. She would really have to control herself when Shepard came back. She was laid to bare just under the sheets and it wouldn't take too much effort for the same to be done to Shepard.

As if on cue, the commander entered her quarters and made her way down the small set of steps leading to her bed. She smiled at her XO warmly before sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"Good Morning, Miranda," she smiled as the XO slipped in behind her and wrapped the thin sheets around the both of them. She could feel Miranda's bare body press hotly against her back and it took every ounce of will power not to ravish the woman a third time.

"Good Morning to you too," Miranda nuzzled against the woman's neck, humming softly. Shepard sighed not wanting to face reality but instead bask in the glow of her XO

"What's wrong?" Miranda's eyes widened in concern and tightened her grip on the commander.

"Miranda, you deserve to hear something, something I've been avoiding saying out of fear. I already said how I wouldn't leave you out in the cold and, well, I meant that." Miranda nodded waiting for the commander to continue.

"I love you, Miranda." The XO had convinced herself that she didn't need to hear those words, that she would just let her commander show her how she felt. Yet when the words reached her ears she felt like she was falling all over again.

"I love you too," She kissed the side of her neck but when she peered up at the commander she'd noticed that the distraught expression she wore never left.

"Why do I feel a but coming on?"

"I still care about Liara, I still love her. I realized this morning when I woke up I was just leading you on."

"You're just leading me on?" Miranda tried to hide the anger behind her voice but ultimately failed.

"I mean I'm leading you both on! I'm burning the candle from both ends. I feel like I'm leading you to believe you have a better chance than Liara simply because you're on the ship and she's not." As soon as the words left her mouth she knew she'd screwed up entirely. She was never eloquent with words of the heart.

"So I am just a matter of convenience to you?" She shoved Shepard forward and made her way to the other side of the bed. A scowl painted her features as she came to the conclusion that only Shepard could give her something so precious one minute and then violently take it away the next. She started putting on her clothes angrily not letting the tears that wanted to fall do so.

"No, that's not what I meant Miranda and you know it!" She recovered from the shoved and looked at her scorned XO.

"Sure you did! You just wanted to keep your XO around until your precious little Asari was free from her duties!" The top that contained her jealously towards the newly appointed shadow broker flipped and now all bets were off.

"That's not true at all!" Desperation overwhelmed her as the XO finished dressing making her way towards the doors. Shepard bolted forward and grabbed her by her shoulder.

"MIri.." She thought she could calm the woman down with the use of her nickname, but all she received in return was silence.

"Come on Miran-" Her words were cut off as the XO suddenly and without any kind of warning turned around delivering a powerful backhand to her face. The Commander stumbled backwards as she held her cheek. She stared upwards at her second in command who stared back at her. Tears ran down her face as she glared defiantly towards her commander but strangely enough they didn't detract from her ferocity at the moment.

"Stay the hell away from me, Shepard! I won't be your simple past time!" She turned and made her exit, not looking back once. She couldn't move at all and just stayed anchored in the spot where she stumbled to. She wanted to chase Miranda, to tell her that she didn't mean it that way but she couldn't propel her body forward. For the first time ever; she found herself scared of her XO

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She had to get off this ship. She couldn't stay here any longer, but where would she go? Surely she could use her many connections to gain some type of position. Her heart ached at the thought that she was merely a pawn to her commander. She'd bared everything to this woman only to have it thrown back in her face. She would never allow anyone else to get this closer to her again. Lost in her internal rage she failed to notice the doors to her quarters open. Shepard had overridden Miranda's order to have her doors locked to everyone.

"WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!" She turned and directed her anger at the commander.

"Miranda…" She lowered her posture and looked down glancing upwards from downcast eyes. She too had been crying, evident from swollen eyes and the dried tears that stained her cheeks but she made sure to compose herself before heading down

"I will be off this ship in a few days. I wish you well with your mission to fight the reapers." She steeled the anger that threatened to boil over like an erupting volcano.

"No, Miranda I don't want…"

"IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT, SHEPARD!" She shuddered and took a deep breath as she saw her commander flinch from her reaction

"Where will you go?" It had finally settled in for Shepard. She was losing her XO and it was all her fault. If only she'd been stronger, resisted her advances she'd at least have a best friend still.

"I am thinking illium."

"Then I will have joker set a course." She turned her head away from her XO not giving in to the childish urge to pull rank. What could she stand on with such a demand anyway?

"Not yet, I need to talk to some contacts on illium first. Give me a day please."

Shepard gave a wordless acknowledgement before continuing out the door and back up to the now secluded confines of her quarters. She felt like the place was becoming her tomb now.

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The ship docked and true to her word Miranda left the ship with only a few belongings. Shepard hadn't come out of her room since the order was given to set a course for illium. She didn't want to take the chance of anyone figuring out exactly what had gone on between the two of them. She also couldn't take the sight of her XO leaving. The ship only docked long enough to let the former XO off and then it pulled away, flying back towards the obsidian heavens.

"EDI, please inform the crew that Miranda is on a leave of absence."

"_A permanent one…" _She mentally added.

The "problem" had seemed to have solved itself and she would go back to the arms of her loving Asari. The notion gave her neither comfort nor relief but maybe over time she would learn to let it.

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Three weeks had passed since Miranda had left the ship and Shepard found some solace and comfort from her blue skinned lover. However it couldn't fully give her peace from the unrest that dwelled within her. Liara, who she'd told everything to, could only do what she did best and that was to console the commander. Yet when Samantha refused to bond with her out of guilt she knew things went far deeper than simple rejection.

"My love," She whispered softly and nuzzled behind Shepard's ear. She hated seeing her love in such a state especially when there was little that she could do about it.

"How can you call me that after what I did, Liara? I certainly do not deserve it," She stared off in the distance, looking at nothing in particular.

"Because it still applies and you are not the one to make such a call." Her patience with the red head was endless and she would do whatever it took to bring her Samantha back around. She loved her that much.

"Bond with me, Samantha." She knew she was being pushy about it but simply holding her commander didn't seem like it was enough. She needed to envelop the woman in an aura of comfort. Samantha sighed as she finally relented and nodded. She could feel the Asari's mind brush against her own and although she resisted at first out of instinct for what she'd done, she'd finally lowed most of her walls to let her in. However those memories and feelings concerning Miranda were under lock and key. She felt just how empty she felt without her XO. The feeling of loss passed through her as if she'd experienced it herself.

"Oh, Samantha…" she trailed off, remembering the state her commander came to her in a few weeks ago.

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_The commander had a habit of popping up in unexpected places. Something that Liara ironically enough had come to expect from her red headed lover. When the IFF informed her that the Normandy was in route, she'd pushed away her broker work and made her way once again to the shuttle bay. She instantly knew something was wrong as Shepard made her way down the hallway. She wore a smile to try and hide the fact but Liara can read her commander like an open book._

"_Shepard, I wasn't expecting you!" She wouldn't push her just yet for what was wrong. She'd come along eventually. _

"_Where you expecting someone else?" The commander smiled as the Asari wrapped her arms around her neck and gave a kiss to her cheek._

"_I'll be with you for a while, that is if you're ok with that?" She couldn't think of anywhere else to go, couldn't think of any other arms that would accept her. _

"_Of course I'm fine with that! I could use an assistant." She smiled and for a split second Shepard felt like everything would be just fine. Clearly a false sense of security had claimed her._

"_Laugh it up, T'Soni."_

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What would she do? Mope around until the reapers came knocking on their door.? She had to pull herself together; she had to fight through the pain. 'However, she just could not seem to find the motivation to do. She'd left the ship in the capable hands of Garrus who quickly came to an idea of what was wrong. Yet the Turian respected Shepard enough not to push for information.

As much as she loved having her commander within reach, she didn't like the circumstances around such a situation. She knew she had every right to be upset with her love but she couldn't have retaliated or punished her even if she wanted to. What she was going through was "Punishment" enough. She couldn't help but feel partially responsible; after all she was the one who suggested exploration. She had to wonder just what in the hell she'd been thinking in that moment.

With her limitless amount of contacts through the traverse, it would be easy to find Miranda. However she had to ask herself if it was right to invade the young woman's privacy. Shouldn't she have just been happy to have her commander back? Shouldn't she have been content to commit herself to mending the broken commander on her own? She was committed to mending her broken lover but it was obvious that she couldn't do it alone. Shepard needed closure or something else entirely.

With Shepard asleep in her private quarters, she made her way to the large terminal where the pair had fought the original shadow broker. She typed away furiously at the holographic keyboard and nodded when various contacts appeared on the screen before her.

"Excellent."

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AN: wow I seem to be on a roll! I did this in a single day albeit I won't "brag" about that simply because I was using this as a source to vent some personal problems and I might have gone a little overboard. The reviews, story alerts and author watches keep me coming for more. So please read and review. Critique or praise. I swear you guys have spoiled me rotten 3


	9. A lost Art

Shepard sighed deeply as she ran her coarse and calloused hand down the smooth sheets of paper that sat in front of her. Paper in this day and age had gone the way of the dinosaurs. It was far more efficient to have everything on data pads and computers. As convenient as they were, they could never recreate the personal touch and feelings that a simple sheet of paper and pen could. Finding such things proved to be quite the elusive task for the Shadow Broker, who at the time couldn't help but be amused by it.

Liara remembered how skittish Shepard was when she asked. The normally calm and placid commander considered back peddling more than once from what she considered a stupid request. Yet the more she dwelled on it the more she knew that merely typing her thoughts and feelings would not be adequate enough. The commander smiled to herself as memories of grade school came flooding back to her. For some strange and unknown reason, even with the total domination of digital works, teachers on Mindor saw fit to teach their students cursive handwriting. It proved to be something that even to this day the great Commander Shepard could not conquer.

She remembered the seemingly countless hours she stayed after school to try and improve her handwriting and the frustrated teachers who eventually gave up. At the time she couldn't have cared less, but now despite her amusement she wished she had learned it. She would just have to slow down enough to make sure her writing was legible. She took a deep breath and then looked down at the paper trying to think of where to start. She gave into the paranoid feeling to glance around the room to make sure no one else was around. She had to shake her head at herself; she truly was a marine. She knew she had Liara's personal quarters to herself but whenever she felt she was making herself vulnerable, she had to be sure of her surroundings; even if it was a simple letter.

She'd stalled long enough and with a suitable train of thought in mind, she put pen to paper.

_Dear Liara, _

_ I'm not even sure of where to start or if any of this will make sense. My head is so full of noise that I'm having a hard time filtering everything. I guess I will start from the beginning and hopefully as I go forward my thoughts will become more coherent. I want to say it was love at first sight when I saw you on Therum but I know I'd be lying. I will say however that for some reason, with you, my drive to protect overflowed. Maybe it was because you were a civilian or maybe it was the fact that you'd pretty much removed yourself from society. Though now the more I think about it the more I realize; it was your innocence and naive perception towards life._

_ I saw myself in you, my old self. The me before the military, before the slavers. I saw a piece of myself that I could never get back and before I even realized it, I swore I'd give any and everything to make sure you held on to that for as long as you could. I might have been damaged and screwed up beyond words but if I could use that to keep you safe then I would. I remember the first time we bonded. I did not like the idea of someone poking around in my head even if it was you. I had built walls, safeguards and a fortress around myself for a reason. You might have merely been after my vision on the protheans but I think you unconsciously went further. Scratch that, I know you did. You could feel the fear, anxiety and tension that rose in me from someone being so close. Instead of backing off, you wrapped me in a cocoon of comfort. Honestly, Liara, it felt like coming home. All too soon the bond was over and I was dropped back into the desolate barren wasteland; my life. I fell back into the role of fearless commander flawlessly but god I missed it._

_ Over the months during our mission of chasing Saren, I grew closer to you. I didn't want you out of my sight and I wanted to be near you constantly. At the time I wasn't sure what it was, I don't think I would have guessed I was falling in love with you. I just rationalized that I felt closer to you than everyone else because you didn't have expectations of me. I didn't have to worry about protocol or having you second guess my command. You let me be myself without the fear of judgment. I wanted to bask in that always. _

_ It clicked for me finally sometime later but the circumstances were less than desirable. You stood beside me as the life drained from your mother's eyes. I did what had to be done but I didn't like it one bit. Damnit! I wished a thousand times that we could have saved her. I wished I didn't have to see the heartbreak you so desperately tried to hide from me. When I entered your quarters to check you, you were still hiding behind that façade of being alright. God, how I wish I could have taken you in my arms. Just hold you and tell you it would be alright, to give you kisses of reassurance. I realized then I was in love._

Shepard sighed happy remembering the flood of emotions that threatened to overtake her. She had to fight back tears of joy before composing herself to continue.

_ Finally during one of our regular conversations you admitted your attraction to me and you asked if I felt the same. My heart was racing a mile a minute. By then I'd faced hundreds of thousands of Geth but nothing scared me like the simple question in front of me had. Before I even realized it, my suddenly parched mouth moved to speak. I told you yes, that the feeling was mutual. I had to restrain myself big time. You already know how eager and impatient I can be but at that moment in time I wanted to take things slow just like you did. I didn't want to take you on missions, didn't want you to leave the safety of the ship but I knew that would be coddling you. _

_ Now I find myself thinking about our night before Ilos. As shy as I am to be admitting this; it was indeed my first time as well as yours. You probably expected me to guide you with my own experience but truthfully I was just as lost as you were. Our beginning touches were bashful but thankfully shyness gave way to want and want gave way to need. Hesitant caresses became confident and soon we had each others bodies mapped out. It was very nice to see that your freckles extended further. I had plenty of opportunities to give someone the title of"One who slept with Shepard." but I never attempted to. Even Sha'ira offered her healing touches but I refused. An opportunity that most people on the Citadel would have gladly spaced me for. _

Shepard pulled at her collar to relieve herself of the flustered feelings that came to the surface from such thoughts. She'd gone from straight laced commander to insatiable hormone driven teenager in a matter of minutes. She chewed on her pen hoping that action would shoo away such scandalous thoughts. Well perhaps not scandalous but certainly inappropriate considering the situation. With her hormones in check for now she continued writing.

_ No words could describe how that night was to me. Beautiful comes to mind, but it pales in comparison to how you made me feel that night. As our minds joined I felt how you seemed to dance gracefully past every barrier, every wall and every defense I'd ever put into place. You did it with the ease and skill of a true lover. Lying exhausted in your embrace brought me a sense of peace that I never thought possible. Saren, the reapers, Ilos and our mission meant nothing to me at that point. The entire universe could have imploded but as long as I had you in my arms it would have all been worth it. For a few peaceful hours, I was just Samantha Shepard._

_ Sadly my touch of heaven came to a shuddering halt as Joker announced that we would be hitting the Mu relay soon. I remember your voice traveling to my ears which was lightly dusted with hints of exhaustion, amazement and pure affection. I wanted to go after you all over again which is why I mentioned round two. You playfully chastised me for such a suggestion; I was dead serious. All too soon I enveloped myself into the armor that was Commander Shepard but not fully. I didn't do that until after I pulled you into a time stopping kiss. Time was short but I was determined to pour all of my feelings for you into a single kiss._

_ We stopped Saren of course, but strangely enough it wasn't our victory that I celebrated but rather the opportunity it presented for me to perhaps start a new life with you. I was relieved at the fact that I could give you a future; one that you deserved so much. However, even though my struggle against Saren had been successful, I can't help but feel I failed you in that regard. Liara, if I hadn't gotten killed during the collector attack you wouldn't have had to retreat into that cold shell that I saw on after I first awoke on Illium. It was my fault; I should have done something differently that day! I still feel guilty for that, Liara. I feel like I took away your innocence. I felt like I had killed everything that made you who you were. _

_ I figured maybe you blamed me too as to why I didn't push you after our meeting. I loved you enough to let you go. After all, things can change in two years; well my feelings for you hadn't changed in the slightest. I then received a blessing in disguise in the form of intel on the shadow broker. I knew that you were chasing him and so I jumped at the opportunity to help you, to spend time with you. Even if it meant getting shot at, thrown out a window and risking a head on collision with a truck. Those things were far more tolerable than the boiling jealousy in me over Feron. It threatened to consume me completely. I might have encouraged you that we would get him back, but at the time it was merely a gesture. _

_ When we finally defeated the shadow broker I was positive that you were going to run to Feron and confess your love for him. I was so lost in an infuriating rage and jealousy that I didn't even realized that I'd given you the cold shoulder to help Grunt. That fiery inferno was soon quelled at the sound of your broken voice. Feron excused himself along with Grunt and it was just the two us. You turned your back to me crying and upon seeing your tears when I made you turn to me; the fire was fully extinguished. I dried your tears, reassuring you that everything would be ok. I then pulled you into my arms as you shook like a leaf. _

_ The events of that day left you vulnerable and shaken beyond mere words. When you pulled away, what happened next certainly took me off guard. Electricity raced down my spine as your lips touched mine. The kiss, while lacking ferocity that we'd previously displayed, was just as desperate and full of longing. It ended all too quickly and you pulled away mumbling something about how things were different. I wasn't having it. Without warning I grabbed you in the middle of your sentence. I didn't give you time to react as I pressed my lips hotly against your own. I could feel the thundering sound of my heart beating in my ears. I'm surprised I'm not deaf now. I'd missed you so much, Liara. So much I couldn't stand it anymore. I was on cloud nine from having my scientist back and I didn't want to lose you again. That is why it took me some time to invite you to the Normandy where I confided in you once again how I felt._

_ It was déjà-vu all over again as I remembered you doing the same for me for the Prothean vision. You chased away my doubts, fears and made me feel like I could take on the universe single handily. Funny how you instill those things in me so easily. I could go on about what happened next but I don't think you need a refresher._

_ I' m really not sure of how to end this. I kind of don't want to but I need to save this paper for another letter. I don't feel it's right for me to say this and I certainly don't deserve to no matter how true it is, but Liara T' Soni, I love you. _

_-Samantha._

It was merely a simple letter but she was exhausted and her hand hurt from writing for so long. Yet the sense of satisfaction had made it all worth it. She folded up the two page letter and tucked it away, unsure if she would ever let it see the light of day. She now stared down at the last two blank pages again at a loss of how to start.

"Maybe I should take a break first," she said to herself before pushing away from the desk. Half an hour passed before she made her way back with a solid train of thought in her head.

_Dear Miranda,_

_ God I miss you. I wanted to beg you to stay but I had no right to do that and something tells me even if I had I would have only provoked your wrath even further. You were right to be angry with me even though I didn't mean it the way you took it. I'm so sorry, the last thing I wanted to do was push you away but I did just that. _

Her train of thought had been lost or rather completely derailed. What exactly could she say to the former XO that wouldn't seem like a mere mockery of all the things they'd experienced together? Shepard shook her head and growled in frustration. She would have rather faced the original shadow broker again than trying to put how she felt into words for Miranda. Liara's letter came so naturally and flowed endlessly like the Nile River. However Miranda's was proving to be rather difficult. She felt the same intensity but couldn't find the words. What could she do to draw them out? She glanced out the windows at the turbulent environment just outside the ship and moaned as the galaxy appeared to mock her indecision.

"How similar. Come on Shepard, you can do this." She turned back to her letter.

_ Fascinating how the two of us would go from rivals to lovers. They say where there's friction there's heat and with the two of us, we really do personify that saying. This goes without saying but I didn't like you at first. You were arrogant and very cold. That sort of thing clashes with someone like me, but luckily you didn't stay that way. When Kelly informed me that you wished to talk to me I could only imagine it would be something about my performance. _

_ You had been riding my ass hard for weeks with no end in sight. Yet when I entered your quarters and saw the distress on your face, I instantly put that aside. I've been a soldier for over ten years and because of that I've become very observant, learned to pick up every minute detail that most people looked over. It helped me to understand just what was going through your head at that moment. I was at a complete lost at your behavior. The woman before me was reluctant and scared. I was surprised to see anything outside of the cold calculating woman I'd come to know for the past few weeks. You blinked rapidly and I quickly noted that you were either lying or something was wrong. I ruled out the former because you'd been nothing but blunt with me. Then you became more forceful with your words as if trying to reinforce just how important they were._

_ When you asked me to help your sister, I didn't hesitate. I knew that it had to have been the direst of situations for you to swallow your pride and ask me for help. It was then I got a glimpse of who and just what the real Miranda was made of. I could see past the icy fortress that you tried so hard to surround yourself with. I could see the smoldering flame that simply needed to be nurtured. I encouraged you to talk to your sister, an action that you rejected at first but managed to gently coax you to do so. I've never told you this but watching you interact with your sister reminded me of my own family, in particular my brothers. Instead of dwelling on the loss of my family I let myself drown in a torrent of happy memories. For the first time since I was 16, that gaping hole in my chest didn't feel so deep. I think encouraging you to talk to your sister proved to be just as therapeutic to me as it was to you. From there our relationship blossomed and I honestly considered you to be my best friend as well as second in command. _

_ I had to have been at least that for you to confide in me about your past. I didn't know a man could be so egoistical and maniacal. To merely look at his daughter as a dynasty instead of the beautiful creature she was. It made my blood boil and what made matters worse is that you felt like those things defined you, that you could only take credit for your mistakes. You are more than that, Miranda._

Shepard took a deep breath and placed her hand over her chest. Writing was taking a toll on her mentally and it was starting to manifest on to her physically. She wanted to stop and save the letter for another day but she knew exactly what would happen if she did. She'd merely keep putting it off until she forgot about it completely. Shepard cracked her knuckles before rubbing her eyes. She could fight through anything. This was simply another "battle" she would face head-on like she'd done countless others. During counseling after Akuze, many therapists told her to give every thought, no matter how insane it sounded, a voice. To let every feeling and emotion find a way to be heard. She had no idea she'd be taping into that advice today.

_ Ever since then I've been protective of you. I tried to be subtle but I couldn't stand how people treated you, not after I discovered the real Miranda. I viciously slammed anyone who dared to utter the term "Ice queen". It was a name that should have never been there in the first place. I don't ever want you to go back into that cold fortress or lock yourself away. You deserve better than that, Miranda. It would break my heart to see you retreat to that empty shell. When you told me how you felt or rather you showed me, I truly was flattered. There you were, offering me a chance to fully bask in the flame that I'd help conjure, to let me be consumed by it. I could feel the flames licking at my back, singeing the tips of control that we had both always surrounded ourselves with. If it had been anyone else, I would have sent them packing._

_ I assure you it wasn't pity nor did I feel sorry, at least not for you. Those two weeks that we avoided each other were hard. I missed how we casually talk to one another or simply took comfort in each other's presence. During that whole time I found myself thinking about nothing but you, wishing I could return your feelings. It was absolutely maddening, which is why we took that sudden visit to Tuchanka. My mom always told me that I got my rough and tumble nature from my older brothers who settled disputes and bouts of aggression with fists. Of course I couldn't do such a thing with you, but luckily our resident Krogan was more than ready for a fight with his battlemaster. _

Shepard laughed at herself and the tension she felt coiled in her like a pit viper ready to strike relaxed. Finally she'd found just how to draw out her feelings for the XO. The results were unexpected however. What she felt for Liara was in essence similar to being in an oxygen rich environment. She could breathe and do so freely, but with Miranda she had to fight for every breath. Miranda's intensity, ferocity and passion greedily took each molecule of oxygen they could get. The commander struggled to breathe in her presence but only found herself wanting more. Life, as she'd experienced twice, was so full of ironies.

"I'm doing it again…" The two women in her life couldn't really be compared although she had tried in the past. She'd stifled her laughter with sobering thoughts and gave her undivided attention back to the letter.

_ Unfortunately I got a beating that day. Well now that I think about it wasn't quite so unfortunate. Our relationship had obviously changed at that point so having you tend to my wounds was an experience to say the least. It was one of the most arousing events in my life. Granted my experience with anything like that was and still is pretty limited. Having you in such proximity, threatened any sense of restraint and it wasn't long before you cracked it entirely. A line in the sand had been crossed but neither of us gave heed to the indiscretion. All had been laid to bare between us in those few moments. I realized I cared more about you than I thought. Our bodies intertwined as we lost ourselves in a battle of lust and dominance, but Miranda that wasn't nearly the most intimate thing I've done with you. That title goes to the morning after our fight with the rogue scientist._

_ Lying in bed with you, inhaling your intoxicating scent and having every inch of you pressed against me trumped our first night together easily. It was further cemented by you revealing just what you wanted out of this life. I didn't expect for you to ever admit such a thing but I am glad that you did. The two weeks after that felt like a honeymoon. That probably sounds terrible but it's the only thing that comes to mind that fits. From playfully stealing datapads as you worked on them or sneaking in kisses when I was absolutely sure that no one was looking. You had your own antics as well; locking me out of my own quarters or making a mockery of my infamous sales pitch on the citadel. _

Shepard drummed her fingers on the desk and a smile graced her lips. She would have never guessed that her XO could be so playful. Like all things however; it came to an end. She remembered the peaceful morning, the calm before the storm as she held Miranda in her arms. The commander felt that she was going to break again from simply remembering.

_ Just knowing that you were walking away from the ship was one of the most tormenting things I've ever been through. One night on the ship after you left, I found that I couldn't stay_ there either. _My bed naturally smelled of you and each breath I took simply reminded me that you weren't there anymore. I should have chased after you and begged you to stay, but I had no right to do that. I feel like I ruthlessly stomped out all traces of the warmth I coaxed out of you. I know you felt betrayed and I certainly do not blame you for feeling that way. Miranda, please know that my intentions were not to harm you. I would never do such a thing by choice. I would space myself before allowing harm to come to you from my own hands._

"Damnit…" Just when she thought she'd figured out how to reasonably let things flow they became backed up again under layers of frustration and hurt.

_I miss you, Miranda. Not having you beside me is just maddening! We have been through so much together and it should not end like this. Your place is beside me no matter what role you play in my life. Maybe I am greedy and childish but that is truly how I feel about the two of us. I'm fighting back tears and I don't know what else to say. I just wish that you were here. _

_ I feel so stupid for saying this, I feel that I don't deserve to but I love you, Miranda. No matter what happens, nothing will change that or the place you've occupy in my heart. You leaving the Normandy did not change that. I just hope that wherever you are you are safe. Well I know you will be as you are as smart as you are beautiful. As much as I want you back, for now I'll take comfort in the memories we made together but they are nothing in comparison of being with you._

_-Samantha._

The commander's sense of control was admirable. She'd spent years learning to curb impulses and knee jerk reactions. Yet with both women all those years of doing so had gone to waste, especially with Miranda. For both of their sakes she had to contain herself. It was the only reason she wasn't racing across the traverse to find the sentinel. No matter how strong the urge became to do so; she had to resist it. She would have felt the same towards Liara if it was her who left instead.

She was spent and drained from writing for well over two hours. The commander stretched, popping her back in several places. She would have to be more mindful of her posture but hopefully she would never have to sit and write letters again. She folded the paper neatly just as she did the previous letter and tucked it away. The soft click of a lock made its way to her ears before Liara slowly entered the bed room they shared. She smiled at her commander who was still in the throes working the kinks out of her back.

"Was there enough paper for you?" Liara stood beside the commander and affectionately rubbed her back in slow but firm circles.

"Yes, thank you, Liara. I know it was not an easy thing to get." Shepard smiled and nodded enjoying the back rub.

"You are most welcome." She bent down and gently kissed the commander on her forehead.

"How is your own work?" Shepard pushed away from the desk and yawned.

"You know, normal shadow broker work." She wasn't exactly lying to Shepard. She was merely omitting the truth. She was thankful for the distraction that Shepard had provided herself with. It gave her more time to make a list of contacts on illium without her knowledge. Miranda had proved to be quite elusive and covered her tracks well but with the almost infinite knowledge she had at her disposal she knew it was only a matter of time.

"Maybe I can help?"

"No, Samantha, I'm fine but you on the other hand…" she trailed off as she shuffled the commander towards the bed.

"Liara…" She whined.

"No arguing." She gently pushed her commander onto the bed and laid another kiss; this time on her cheek.

"I have to finish up but, I will join you soon." She made her way towards the door but turned back to glance at the commander.

"Alright, Good night Liara, as I doubt I will be awake when you are done." Shepard slid under the covers and nestled her head against the firm pillows. She already felt the Sandman greeting her.

"Good night, Samantha," And with that she closed the door to her quarters making her way back to her terminal.

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Author's Notes: So in a sense I have two betas for this story now. *feels all important and stuff* LOL jk. Both are playing the role of quality control but one is mostly concerned that I stay consistent in my writing and the other is concerned with my grammar and punctuation. I did this after I got some feedback on my last chapter which I have to admit did indeed seem like it was written by another person. I apologize for that. My plan for that chapter was to be full of angst but I used it as a personal venting outlet and it backfired. I assure you it won't happen again. Ok I'm shutting up now.

Finally,

Dat Demo 8D


	10. Hidden Agenda

Author's notes: *bashes head in agony* T_T I could have made my fanfic debut with a simple one shot but noooo I had to go make a dramatic heart string pulling story where the ending is gonna break me either way. FML lol

_ Thick black smoke bellowed across the battlefield obscuring the commander's vision as she exited her biotic charge. Her lungs burned for oxygen and her muscles screamed in agony but she couldn't afford to stop. Screams of terror and sounds of destruction scratched at her ears like nails on a chalkboard. Destroyed cruisers, shuttles and drops-ships littered the forsaken field as if they were corpses. Shepard looked around desperately trying to get a feel for where she was at the moment. Her sense of direction had seemingly been lost, although she couldn't remember having one in the first place. Unbeknownst to the commander, she was being lead by instinct. _

_ Rules and logic had no place in the presence of instinct. The natural element to all species relied on feelings and emotions. She'd learned to tap into that even more so during training. "Above all else, follow your gut." She remembered her drill sergeant repeating that constantly during combat exercises. She had called on it during her years in service countless times but she couldn't remember a situation that called for it ever being this dire. Shepard stared upwards as a metallic squid like creature soared overhead. As it passed its optical laser scorched the earth sending a wall of fire headed straight for Shepard._

_ She dodged to the left, barely escaping what would have certainly been her death. As the beam passed by, she could feel the overwhelming heat singe the tips of hair. The urge to scream nearly passed her lips but she fought back the sensation. When the danger had passed, she peeked out from the debris that acted as her shielding. More of the squid like creatures passed and Shepard came to the only logical conclusion; the reapers were here. _

_ Like thieves in the night, they stole and ripped the earth of resources before overtaking it completely. Without remorse or mercy they systematically hunted down every stronghold and fortress humanity had to offer. There were like locust, consuming everything in their path. Her omni-tool flared to life, showing a distorted image. The image never cleared but the voice ultimately made it unnecessary._

_ "SAMANTHA!" Liara called out frantically and terror gripped the commander's chest._

_ "Liara, where are you!" It was a question she could have asked of her entire crew. The commander was known for her bravery and fearless demeanor but she wasn't reckless or stupid. She would have never charged into battle without them by her side. Static cut through her ears as the transmission came to a stop._

_ "Damnit!" She frantically tried to establish another connection. The reaper that flew overhead earlier must have interfered with the established means of communication. The transmission came in clear now and revealed to the commander that the Asariwas not alone. There was no time to ask why Liara was with Miranda. Her only concern was that the two of them were safe._

_ "Are you two ok? Where are you?" They had to have been in the vicinity or else communications would have been interrupted. Shepard looked at her XO who wore a worried expression across her face and Shepard cursed herself. She was a guardian at heart. She'd sworn to protect those who couldn't protect themselves and more importantly those she loved. How could she have not been there with them?_

_ "I'm sending coordinates to your omni-tool, Shepard." The commander bristled at the impersonal use of her last name, but had to remember that falling back to protocols and formal behavior was a habit for the sentinel when something bothered her. _

_ The commander nodded and with the coordinates in place, she fully emerged from the debris._

"_I'll be there soon, stay safe, both of you." For a split second Shepard's eyes softened and then gave way to the war veteran within her. With determination etched across her face and renewed will, she blazed cross the battlefield towards the two women._

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ Shepard entered the dilapidated building; it's structure barely holding from the destruction. Metallic groans echoed around her and she knew it was in her best interest to find the two women quickly. _

_ "Samantha, over here." She could barely hear the faint whisper of Liara beckoning her closer. She holstered her shotgun and pushed her way forward being careful not to disturb any foundational structure._

_ "You made it…"Miranda's eyes widened in relief as she stepped away from the small alcove and towards her commander._

_ "I've got to get the two of you someplace safe," She reached out offering her hand to Liara who gladly took it. Both of them nodded, although neither wanted to admit that no place was safe. Under normal circumstances, vanguards acted as the first wave, the front line to the heated battle but with such precious cargo in tow, Shepard couldn't afford to give way to such high risk high reward tactics. The two women moved across the battlefield carefully with the commander at their backs. She refused to let them out of her sight _

_ A wave of dread shadowed over the commander; the same noise she heard from the passing reaper from earlier again made itself known._

"_MOVE!" Shepard looked over her shoulder as the reaper touched down. Its massive weight shaking everything surrounding it. Both women disobeyed her order and turned back._

"_Samantha!" Liara called out as she helped Miranda to the top half of what had to have been a sheared off wing from a downed cruiser._

_ "I SAID MOVE!" the commander screamed at the top of her lungs._

_ Without warning or the ominous sound that accompanied it, the optical laser shot out mere yards in front of the women. Time slowed down to a crawl for the commander as she glanced upwards. Debris disturbed by the optical blast threatened to crush the women she loved. She called upon her biotics and in a blue flash covered the distance. She slowed down just enough to make sure she didn't hurt either woman as she grabbed them, saving them from the falling debris. Yet even with her speed the heavy debris managed to clip her shoulder causing all three of them to tumble._

_ The right side of her armor had literally been sheared off exposing the commander to the elements. The world around her spun and her head violently throbbed as blood dripped down her face. _

_ "Miranda? Liara?" She struggled to her feet and looked around. She could hear her name being called but struggled to hone in where it was coming from. _

_ "Oh no…" she quickly realized where the calls for help originated from. With every bit of power she could gather, she limped towards the cliffside, stripping the rest of the top half of her armor off; it was useless anyway. She peered over the side seeing both women grip to the small bit of rock that was their lifeline. Plumes of dirt rose up surrounded Shepard obscuring her vision forcing her to feel her way towards the cliff's edge._

_ "Hang on!" Shepard eased over the edge but her strength was quickly leaving her. She could hear rocks give way and instinctively reached out towards that direction. An arm grasped out at hers and for a moment relief flooded the commander. Yet it was dashed away as a blood curdling scream filled her ears and then faded into nothing._

"NOOOO!" Shepard shot up in bed, screaming and clutching at the bed sheets as if her life depended on it.

"Samantha!" Liara who had been sleeping peacefully beside the commander surrounded her in a biotic field to keep her from possibly hurting herself. The commander grabbed at her chest as sweat poured down her face.

"You're safe…" Liara released her biotic hold and pulled the commander close. Shepard wrapped her arms around the waist of the Asari, nearly crushing her as grief threatened to overtake her.

"Liara…" She trailed off as sobs racked her body and buried her head into the crook of Liara's neck.

"I'm here," Liara rubbed the commander's back in slow large circles. Sadly it had not been the first time she was awoken from her lover's nightmares. Shepard's shallow breaths finally evened out and she pulled away from the Asari ,drying the tears she'd allowed herself to shed.

"I'm sorry," she turned her head unable to look at Liara directly.

"By the Goddess, how many times must I tell you, Shepard? It's alright." She reached out placing her hand on Shepard's shoulder and then trailed upwards, her hand now resting on the side of her face.

"I know." She leaned into the caress, relishing in the wave of comfort the gesture sent through her.

"Are you alright now?" She stroked the commander's cheek with the pad of her thumb. Shepard could lie, say that she was fine and merely go back to sleep but she couldn't. The dream had shaken her to her very core and foundations.

"Honestly, Liara, no I'm not ok," She pulled away from the touch leaving the Asarirejected although it was far from her intentions. She sat on the side of the bed, shoulders slumped as guilt weighed on them heavily. The new shadow broker wasn't one to be so easily deterred and she showed that by pressing her form against the commander's back. Shepard coo'd as Liara peppered kisses across the back of her neck.

"Tell me?" She punctuated the question with an exceptionally long kiss and Shepard found herself leaning back into lithe but strong and capable arms.

"You already know." She stared at the soft light emitting from the holographic alarm clock that sat beside the bed. She had a pretty good idea of what was bothering her commander but she wanted to hear it straight from the source.

"Why aren't you pissed off at me, Liara? I swear you being so forgiving at all of the trouble I have caused is almost scary." She glanced over her shoulder and stared at the Asariwhose eyes widened at the idea that she should be angry with her.

"You're right, I should be angry with you but I can't be, not really." She rested her head on her commander's shoulder and sighed deeply.

"Why not?" Shepard reached up gently grabbing the arm around her neck squeezing it reassuringly.

"I contributed to this mess, in fact, all three of us did. Me for stupidly suggesting the idea, Miranda for chasing you and you for…" She couldn't bring herself to say it. Allowing herself to would make the reality of it just that much harder.

"No, I'm to blame for all of this, not you, not Miranda." She turned around breaking the hold the Asarihad on her momentarily before settling back into her embrace. When she did, she saw fresh tears form in Liara's eyes just before they fell.

"Liara…" She grabbed both sides of her face.

"I feel like I am losing you a second time." She finally understood her actions over the last few weeks and why she was so vigorous in hunting down Miranda. She was subconsciously pushing Shepard away to lessen the blow.

"No, please Liara…" The commander dried her tears.

"It's what I deserve isn't it?" the idea of karma was a primarily human belief but Liara could only find truth in such a saying. She was doing it again, shutting out the commander in fear of impending hurt. The flood of emotions broke through the barriers of rules and protocol and Liara found herself completely at their mercy.

"I don't want to lose you again!" She confessed and threw herself forward, nuzzling against the hollow of Shepard's neck. Gone was the façade of the calculating and cunning Shadow broker and left in its place was a broken scared woman.

"You won't…" The commander said the words without hesitation but even she had to admit part of it was a knee-jerk reaction to console her.

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Samantha." Shepard was at a loss for words, unsure of how to reply if she could at all. She pulled back, away from the Asari's embrace. The world suddenly felt so cold without her there.

"Stay here." She leaned forward, kissing the woman on forehead before making her way towards the desk to retrieve the letter she'd written to the Asariearlier. She wasn't sure if her words would ever see the light of day but she felt Liara deserved to read them. Shepard turned the lighting up slightly, just enough to make sure Liara could read. For a few moments however her confidence waived and she was unsure about giving Liara the letter. She glanced down at the letter and then back to the Asari. She had to wonder why she would second guess such a decision. Surely the woman who inspired such feelings deserved to know of them. She felt so vulnerable but pushed forward.

"I want you to read this." She handed her the letter and sat back on the bed. Liara hesitantly took the letter.

"Are you sure, Samantha?" her doe like eyes widened even further, humbled but slightly shocked by the commander's offering.

"Yes, I'm sure," She nodded slowly. Waiting for Liara to finish the letter proved to put the commander on pins and needles. A combination of emotions crossed her face as she read, ranging from curiosity to hurt to happiness. She lowered the letter and looked upwards at Shepard.

"Did you mean that?" Her insecurities made themselves known.

"I did."

"I take it that the other letter was meant for Miranda?"

"mmmhmm.."

A mix of jealousy and curiosity burned in the broker as she wondered what Shepard could have written to her former second in command. Yet now wasn't the time for such thoughts, she wouldn't taint the moment with them.

"People say writing is the best way to get your feelings sorted and-"She didn't get to finish as Liara pushed her down by her shoulders.

"Liara, what are you doing? She gasped as she was straddled. Liara merely looked down, committing every feature to memory, from the faded scar down the side of her face to the freckles that graced the same area. Words had now become useless and the Asariwouldn't waste any more time with them. She leaned down, capturing the commander's lips gently at first but as seconds ticked by the kiss swelled with desire and need. Shepard moaned into the kiss as her hands found Liara's sides. The need to breath raged in both women's mind but they ignored the urge until it was absolutely necessary.

Shepard was the first to pull away only to be assaulted once more. It was the most affection either had shown each other over the past few weeks. The commander could feel the Asaribrushing against her mind, a silent plea of what she so obviously wanted.

"Yes, Li."

Another kiss, another show of affection left Shepard breathless as Liara trailed her nose along her cheek. Every action was slow and deliberate when their minds joined as one. Liara could feel the torment and agony she experienced, but skirted past those to the woman that lay hidden behind them. They would face whatever tomorrow would bring but now was their time and their time alone.

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Artificial light crept over the room revealing, the commander wrapped in her Asari's embrace. Liara held onto her possessively, scared as if the woman would disappear from her very sight. She was the first to awake and she looked down at Shepard's sleeping form. She'd always thought the woman was adorable but when she slept it was reinforced even more. The commander slept with her mouth slightly agape and snored lightly. Oh how she wished she could pause time and stay wrapped up in this moment forever; time had other plans however. She reluctantly pulled away from the commander and out of the bedroom entirely.

She made her way to the console finalizing the plans to have Shepard meet Miranda. She could have thrown away her plans and instead lived blissfully with the knowledge Shepard was with her, but she couldn't live with the idea of possibly denying her lover closure; even at the expense of there being a chance of losing her. She would let Shepard sleep for little while longer and in doing so would allow her time to come up with a reasonable excuse on why she was headed to Ilium.

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"You're sending me on an errand? Why does this sound so familiar?" Shepard yawned as she hugged the Asari from behind. Liara leaned back into the embrace as she typed at the console, finalizing plans for Shepard to collect data from a shadow broker operative on her behalf.

"You don't mind do you?" She angled her head backwards and kissed the commander on the cheek.

"No, I don't mind. In fact I think I'm starting to get cabin fever." She rested her head on Liara's shoulder.

"And a little soft around the middle." Liara grinned against the commander's cheek as the red head squeezed her tighter.

"It will take a little time for the Normandy to get here depending on how far out they are, but I guess that will give me time to armor up." Shepard glanced up at the holographic display, watching various Images and bits of information shift across it.

"I've already taken care of that and no armor, Samantha."

"Wait…what? Liara, my armor is my second skin. You're not seriously sending me to Illium without it?" Shepard pulled back her head and looked at the woman curiously.

"If I recall correctly and I'm sure I do, you went against an Ardat-Yakshi without armor…" She trailed off raising her eyebrow daring the commander to argue against it.

"That's a bit different, Liara. I was taking a chance of being seduced to death not shot to death!"

"My argument still stands, Samantha." The shadow broker deadpanned before smiling.

"Fine…" She rolled her eyes in mock annoyance.

"Normandy to Shadow Broker base." Joker's voice cut through the playful banter and Liara blinked, not expecting to hear back from joker for so soon. The man truly was worthy of his self appointed title of best pilot.

"It's good to hear from you, Joker." The commander smiled at the hologram as Joker's image flashed onto the console.

"Good to see you too, Commander. The ship hasn't been the same without you."

"I bet. ETA?"

"We're about an hour out, Commander. "

"Just enough time for you to take a shower and get dressed." Liara sniffed as if smelling the commander.

"Alright, I can see when I'm being ran off. See you then, Joker." The commander gave a firm squeeze to the Asari's shoulder before heading off to take a scolding hot shower.

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The couple stood just outside of the shuttle hanger as the Kodiak touched down. Liara glanced between it and the commander wondering if she was essentially sealing her own fate.

"Are you absolutely sure that I can't wear my armor?" The commander smiled knowing her request was going to be denied a second time.

"No." She reached up, wrapping her arms around the commander's neck pulling her close. Shepard returned the action by grabbing the Asariaround the waist.

"You win." She rubbed her nose against hers smiling as she did. Liara said nothing in reply and instead buried her head into the commander's shoulder.

"I'll be back soon." The commander smiled, reluctantly pulling away.

"I hope so…"Liara forced a smile, the hidden meaning behind her words falling to register with the commander.

The commander looked at her love for a few moments. She took in every curve and freckle. As much as she looked forward to finally getting out for a while, she didn't want to leave the security and comfort her Asarihad provided. With everything committed to memory, Shepard turned towards the shuttle and just before the door shut she flashed a genuine smile at Liara.

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"Shepard! You're back! HAHA!" With crossed arms, Grunt greeted Shepard as she stepped foot out onto the Normandy.

"Missed your battlemaster, eh?" She patted the Krogan on the shoulder, both making their way towards the elevator.

"Garrus is an…ok leader. He's clan and all but he lacks your fortitude."

"Don't worry, I'll be back at the helm soon enough." The commander laughed, letting the Krogan off on his respective floor.

"I'll make it up to you, Grunt."

"I'll hold you to that promise, Shepard." The Krogan crossed his arms just before the elevator doors closed. Once alone, the commander sighed wondering if she would truly be capable of staying on the ship without painful reminders.

She stopped the elevator at the cic and stepped off making her way towards the cockpit. She didn't feel like being alone in her quarters. Doing so would only compound past losses and derail any progress she'd made over the past few weeks.

"Joker, how are things in the cockpit?"

The man spun around greeting the commander.

"EDI is being a pain as usual." He laughed and the image representing the unshackled AI appeared.

"I do not recall saying anything out of the way to you today, Jeff." Countered, Edi.

"It's a Joke, EDI, relax. So we're headed out to Illium, eh? Picking up our XO?"

Shepard bristled at the mention of her former XO.

"No, I have to go meet a contact for Liara." She prayed that Joker wouldn't notice the hitch in her voice.

"aye, well we'll arrive on Illium in a few hours, I'll be sure to radio you."

"Thanks Joker."

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Being in her quarters for the first time in just over three weeks proved to be an assault on the commander's senses. She wished that she could have avoided the place outright but she knew she would have to come back to it eventually. Memories clawed at the commander's mind even as she tried to distract herself by going by over the details of her impending meeting.

_"I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the Citadel." Miranda stood playfully in front of her commander with her hands on her hips, doing her best to maintain a straight face. Mocking her commander had become a pastime that the XO thoroughly enjoyed. She loved to see the woman become so flustered and annoyed at her antics._

_ "Keep it up, Miranda," Shepard growled playfully as she sat on the foot of the bed. _

_ "It's not my fault you have such terrible delivery." She laughed and moved a piece of unruly hair out of her face. _

_ "Say one more thing about my endorsement and I swear I'm gonna let you have it, woman!" Her threats were idle and hollow and Miranda knew it or so she thought. The XO dramatically posed, ready to deliver another blow to the commander's ego._

"_I'm ahhh! No, Samantha!" Her words were cut off as the commander lunged forward grabbing her around the waist._

"_Gotcha ya now!" She grinned as the XO flailed in her grasp. Her patience had worn thin with the woman and now it was time for her to deliver some payback of her own._

"_Put me down this instant, Samantha! I will slam your ass!"_

"_Can't slam me if you're too busy laughing." Shepard's voice lowered and her eyes took on a hint of mischievous._

"_What? Are you-"The room filled with giggles and laughter as Shepard attacked her XO's ticklish stomach. _

"_Please god stop!" She pushed against her commander causing the both of them to fall back onto the bed. Raven locks fanned across the commander's face as Miranda landed on top of her. She'd calm down from her laughing fit and sought revenge by grabbing a pillow and hitting the commander with it. _

"_Didn't know I knew about that did you?" She grinned as she recovered from the blow._

"_Sleep with one eye open tonight, Samantha." Miranda kissed the commander and laid her head on her chest. She'd dreamed of this moment thousands of times but each paled in comparison to what she was feeling now; reality._

"_Is that a threat, Lawson?" Shepard reached back with her arms placing them behind her head._

"_You're damn right it's a threat! One that I intend on carrying out if you keep acting like a child!" She couldn't hide the amusement no matter how annoyed she might have been._

"_This is simple payback. I didn't go and tell you to lock me out of my own quarters. I didn't start this war but I intend on finishing it!" The commander grinned cockily._

"_Your funeral!" Miranda glared._

"_We'll see." Shepard sighed blissfully._

_A wave of silence enveloped the room and neither wanted to disturb the peace. With her head on Shepard's shoulder, Miranda drew circles with her fingers on the commander's chest. Shepard murmured at the touch and stared up at the viewport, lazily watching the stars as they passed by. Miranda soon started to doze, being lulled to sleep by the comforting sound of Shepard's strong heartbeat. Feeling so safe and secure was still a foreign feeling for the sentinel but one she wanted to grow accustomed to._

_Shepard noticed the steady breathing of her XO and realized the woman was sleeping. She smiled, still humbled that the XO would allow herself to be so vulnerable. In that moment she swore to never break that trust and sealed that promise with a kiss to Miranda's forehead._

Shepard was brought out of her day dream by Joker's announcement that they had reached Illium and wondered just how long she had been day dreaming.

"I guess the faster I get this over with the faster I can go back home." For a long time the Normandy had served that role but over the past few weeks, home had become wherever Liara was. She had to wonder however, if she could truly call her place beside Liara "home" She certainly felt safe and at peace in the presence of the new shadow broker; for the most part. That, in itself, should have been enough. It was the lingering yet crushing guilt of past actions and regrets that stopped her just short from relishing in the feeling completely. It was also the fact that she felt she didn't deserve a home; not after taking one away from the Sentinel. Miranda felt that she was forced away, practically taken from everything she possibly knew. The commander felt it was only right that she herself suffered as well.

The colossal ship shuddered as it docked and Shepard put such thoughts on hold. She gave her datapad one more look-over, making sure she didn't miss any details.

"let's just get this over with.."

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Author's Notes: So this will be coming to an end soon(I cannot see one or two more chapters ) Sorry but this sorta thing can't go on long without becoming repetitive. So I guess you can say the big climax is coming. I'm still in the dark about who choose and honestly no matter who I choose I will still feel very guilty. While I certainly do not regret writing this story, I do wish I had of went in with more caution. I had no idea writing could be so emotional! I plan on doing one more story (a long one shot as a consolation prize for whoever I decide to have their heart broken because that would ease the guilt a little) and then I'm retiring as a writer lol

At least until life calms down. This story has taken a toll on me(in a good way but has still left me reeling) I'm very emotional and empathetic by nature so you can imagine the tornado of feelings in me, even about fictional characters! lol

From the bottom of my heart, Thank you guys. This story would have been long since deleted if not for your reviews, critique, comments and words of encouragement 3


	11. Rendezvous

AN: I dunno what the hell I would do without MelodicMadness or TJ Brooks.

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Shepard sat down behind the desk that Liara once occupied on Illium before her unexpected takeover of the role of shadow broker. She wasn't sure why the former information broker kept the place considering her new base of operations, but the commander figured it was something minor at best. Familiar surroundings usually brought comfort to the Spectre but today she would not be afforded such a thing. It was as if she traveled back in time. She could vividly remember her first meeting with Liara after her resurrection. It was one of her most crushing moments, even more so than constantly dealing with survivor's guilt after Akuze. She shook her head trying to clear the memories from her mind. Letting them linger would only renew and reinforce the defenses that had snaked their way around the soldier's consciousness beforehand.

Marines, warriors and fighters all had their defenses and Shepard was no exception. They served her well for most of her career and were the only reason she wasn't in a mental institution. More than anything she wished she could shatter the walls and emotional barriers that her mind erected in place to keep herself from dealing with the flood of emotions that battled for her attention. She wished she could strip away the mental armor fully and expose herself to the elements but as far as she was concerned, metal had merged with flesh. There was no getting it off without repercussions and she realized that. Although her passionate night with Liara proved to strip away major parts of it, the weight of armor was crushing. Shepard was happy to have most of it alleviated but she was far too tired to celebrate.

She had felt hopeless and completely useless to the people she loved. In her eyes there was no point in breathing if she couldn't provide or be a rock for them. She looked down at the smooth desk, noticing her expression in the reflective surface and the ragged looked that accompanied it. Her complexion was as smooth as ever, barring her facial scar but it was her eyes that told the story. She was tired. She looked like a lion that had been taken from the wild and tamed. The fire and passion she had she been known for was robbed of its oxygen and nearly smothered completely. She could only hope that in time the embers of that passion would form back to their previous state. It was reasonable to hope for such thing considering Liara had managed to strip most of her armor away.

As content as she felt there was still a piece that resided on her; a piece that refused to come off. Even under Liara's nurture and care it would not budge. Shepard realized just what lay behind that scrap of metal and was not surprised. Although it was beginning to heal, the wound struck by Miranda weeks earlier was still tender and prone to reopening if disturbed.

She turned her head to the left to look at the holographic clock. Her informant would be there in half an hour. She took a deep breath and reached under her desk, running her fingers along the smooth handle of her pistol. It was the only thing that brought her any sense of comfort at the moment. Liara might have banned the commander from wearing armor but she'd said nothing about bringing weapons. She hoped that the meeting would go off without a hitch so she could get back to trying to salvage the shattered remains of her life. Shepard rolled her neck, popping it loudly and then settled down to stare at the door with focused intent.

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"Oriana, I have to follow this though. Please understand," Miranda placed her hand over her sister's shoulder to reassure her that she could handle herself. Since her unexpected departure from the Normandy, Miranda took solace in the arms of her sister, the one person she knew she could trust. Her original plans to find work on Illium fizzled and the former XO found herself on the doorstep of her sister's home. The sentinel was more than capable of handling any position but she found her heart simply was not in it. After the excitement of working with the Spectre to defeat the Collectors, the idea of going back to such a mundane chore was a pill she could not swallow.

After spending the majority of her life alone, Miranda was surprised at how easily she bonded with her sister. While the older sibling did indeed care for her sister she'd spent most of her life merely acting as a silent guardian, content to work from the shadows. She would have never expected to find herself playing the role of big sister, but it came to her as naturally as breathing.

"I know, but…"Oriana trailed off, unable to think of anything to counter Miranda's point. She'd just gained a sister who she had no idea existed and the thought of losing her just as fast scared her. Whether Miranda noticed it or not, Oriana had become just as protective as she was. Seeing her older sister in such a frustrated and obviously hurt state brought out feelings she'd never considered before and they were reinforced when Miranda explained why she was there.

"I can't take any chances of father coming after you again," Miranda held out the data pad showing the information she'd received from a trusted source. She knew her father could be relentless, but even she hadn't expected for him to try again so soon.

"If something happened to you Miranda, I don't know what I would do."

"I will be fine, I promise. I am simply meeting with a contact since I can't take the chance of this being intercepted."

"Miranda…" Oriana slumped her shoulders in defeat knowing there was nothing she could do to change her sister's mind.

"I will be ok, Oriana."

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Liara's fingers danced across the holographic display effortlessly, moving various screens to the side and then expanding one in particular. She smiled when the image zoomed in on the woman the goddess had blessed her with. She knew what she was doing was slightly underhanded but she felt that it needed to be done. Miranda had proven to be as illusive as the man she once worked for. It was as if she fell off the grid entirely. After exhausting every possible route, the new shadow broker knew of a definitive way to lure the sentinel out in the open. She weaved, cajoled and made her way through contact after contact. She had to make sure that the false positive she'd created concerning Miranda's sister seemed one hundred percent true.

The Asari could feel herself becoming more and more tense as the seconds ticked by. In ten minutes she would learn her fate.

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Shepard coiled like a spring as she listened to the door beginning to open. She grabbed where the handle of the pistol was and reacquainted herself with the metallic weapon. Liara might have been the shadow broker but she did not extend the same trust to her contacts. When the doors finally opened, the commander's eyes widened and her mouth hung agape. Adrenaline surged through her veins and her heart raced. She stood motionless, staring at the woman who had walked out of her life three weeks ago. Her first instinct was run to the woman, grab her and swear to never let her go again, but she resisted and instead cautiously and slowly moved around the desk.

"Miranda?" Samantha called quietly.

Miranda mirrored her own reaction and stood rooted just inside the door. Pure shock caused her to barely hear the commander call her name. The datapad that she carried fell to the floor and cracked. The woman before her sounded like Shepard, looked like Shepard but it couldn't have possibly be her.

"S…Samantha?" She called weakly as the commander stood in front of her, an action that proved to verify that the real commander now stood before her. No person place or thing could replicate that smell of cinnamon and smoke the red head gave off. She took a deep breath inhaling the commander's scent, causing a flood of memories to flash through her mind. Oh how she had missed this.

Shepard reached forward and pressed her hand to the sentinel's cheek. Feeling her touch, Miranda tensed even further and shook like a leaf trapped in a violent twister. She was not ready for this, far from ready. Shepard called her name gently again and then threw caution to the wind, wrapping her strong lean arms around her.

Miranda let herself be pulled into the embrace but didn't return it immediately. Shock still overwhelmed her, but as the moments passed it ebbed away and she found her arms around her commander's waist. She let out a shuddering sigh and tears rolled down her cheeks. Weeks of buried frustration now crashed with overwhelming joy.

Shepard took a deep breath and adjusted her footing. While she was slightly taller than the XO she had to stand on her toes to accommodate the woman under her chin. Shepard smiled down at the brunette and Miranda took comfort in the place she affectionately called her "nook."

"If you stay there any longer I'm going to have to charge you rent." The commander playfully teased. Miranda coo'd and smiled again, losing herself in the commander's strong heart beat before answering.

"I do believe that I can afford it," She teased back just as playfully still not leaving her favorite spot.

Shepard smiled and relented.

Miranda reluctantly pulled away but kept her arms around the commander. Her cheeks burned crimson upon realizing the fresh tears that rolled down her face. Shepard wiped them away with the pad of her thumb.

"We have been through way too much for you to suddenly grow embarrassed." The commander chuckled but it came to a stop when Miranda placed both of her hands on the commander's chest. With her nimble fingers she traced the collar bone of the commander through the Cerberus uniform. Shepard paused and looked down at the finely manicured nails that flitted along the spot just below her neck.

"Miran-"

Soft supple lips covered Shepard's, stopping the red head from speaking any further. The kiss was as delicate as a blossoming flower after the harsh unforgiving winter. The commander's eyes fluttered close accepting the gesture fully. Like a touch of heaven the moment was quickly over and both women pulled away breathless. The kiss was not one of fervent passion or lust but a kiss full of need and love all the same.

Miranda looked up at Shepard smiling as blue eyes danced with new found joy. Without warning she reached for the commander's hands pulling her forward and out the door.

"Hey!" Shepard yelped in surprise, but allowing herself to be pulled forward, mesmerized by the beautiful woman before her whose smile she returned. Miranda let the commander's left hand drop back to her side but kept the other in her grasp. She turned it over and gently ran her hands across the palm before bringing it forward and kissing the commander on her wrist. Shepard nearly melted at the action but instead brought her forward to embrace her again.

"What are you even doing….here?" realization dawned on the commander's face before she pulled away leaving the XO with an empty feeling.

"I came here to follow a lead." Miranda raised her eyebrows as the pieces started to shift together to form the bigger picture.

"Liara planned this." Everything now made sense to the commander. This was why Liara didn't want her to wear armor.

"But why would she plan something like this?" Miranda asked

"I don't know." Shepard found herself feeling torn into two all over again. She could not fathom why Liara would scheme for them to meet. She grabbed her face and dragged her hand downfeeling crushed despite her initial happiness. Part of that grief came from not knowing how to feel. She didn't know whether be thankful for Liara granting her a chance at closure or rage because she felt pushed away. She simply could not have it both ways and that frustrated her even more.

"Liara knows I'd do anything for my sister," realized Miranda. "She had to have fabricated information about my father being on her trail again." Things were finally clear and like Shepard she had no idea of how to feel towards the Asari.

Miranda walked forward and took the commander's hands in her own.

"Let's not dwell on such a thing right now." For whatever amount of time, she had her commander back and she wasn't about to taint it with speculation.

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Onboard the Normandy Shepard instructed Joker to set a course for Hagalaz. The absolute assault on her mental wellbeing exhausted the commander to her breaking point and all she could think about was sleep. She exited from the elevator and stumbled into her quarters. The bed looked far too enticing to resist and as soon as her head hit the pillow she fell asleep, forgetting her worries and concerns for just a few hours.

"_Shepard?" Miranda called to the commander. The woman was transfixed on the fish that swum without a care in the world inside of her aquarium. The XO smiled not wanting to disturb her, instead gazing at the childlike expression on her face. _

"_You were saying something, Miranda?" Shepard turned her head slightly and stared at the XO's reflection. _

"_You are so…" the raven haired woman trailed off not sure how to describe the commander._

"_Childish? Yeah, I get that a lot."She let go a small chuckle as she watched the Prejek paddle fish suddenly bolt for cover behind the artificial rocks._

"_No, more like innocent." _

"_Me?" Shepard raised her eyebrow as déjà vu suddenly hit her. It wasn't the first time she'd ever heard herself be referred to as innocent. That claim went to Liara T'Soni and now like then she could not understand such a sentiment. Yet maybe there was some truth to the claim. After all, Shepard could only see herself from within her own mind; something that made her perspective narrow. As far as she was concerned; she was far from innocent._

"_No, the other Shepard I rebuilt." Miranda deadpanned._

"_Please, if there were two Shepards…"_

"_I would have gone truly insane." Miranda crossed her arms and backed away from the tank to sit on the couch._

"_Yep, one of me is enough. Can't imagine what Liara would do with two of me." Shepard laughed as her thoughts drifted to her lover who she sorely missed. Thankfully she missed the scowl that crept onto Miranda's features at the mention of her lover's name. Miranda had accepted her feelings for the commander weeks ago, but even after such a revelation; she was still in the dark on how to act._

"_So, Miranda, what on earth makes me so innocent?" Shepard sat down on the bed and watched the XO._

"_Oh, I don't know, maybe your ship collection, the fish or the hamster I've walked in on you chasing after it escaped."_

"_Here we go again," Shepard laughed and rolled her eyes._

"_No, no, what sealed the deal for me was seeing you and Grunt having a staring contest. I admire you for that, Shepard. Your innocence that is, not the fact that you had a thousand yard stare with a Krogan."_

"_Thanks, Miranda." Shepard sheepishly rubbed the back of her head._

"_Commander, encrypted transmission for you, hailing from Hagalaz." EDI transferred the transmission to her personal terminal. The commander almost jumped for joy but managed to compose herself…barely._

"_I guess we're going to have to cut this short, Miranda. Sorry about that." While she was more than excited at speaking to her lover, she hated that her XO had to leave. _

"_Quite alright, Shepard." Miranda made her way towards the door._

"_I will call you back up here when we're done._

"_I'll hold you to that, Shepard." The XO nodded and let the doors slide shut. _

_Shepard walked to her console and furiously type away, eager to see the woman that meant so much to her. She growled in frustration at all of the protocols but knew they were necessary to keep her love safe. When the Asari appeared on the screen, the commander grinned from ear to ear. _

"_Liara!" She called, clearly very happy to see the woman._

"_By the goddess, you are excited today." Liara mused as she watched the commander bounce about on her screen._

_The commander shook her head trying to fight off the urge to play but she couldn't resist._

_Shepard laughed as she imitated one of her most trusted of crewmates. "Most excited to see you, Liara! Uncontained giddiness! Plan to enjoy this tremendously!" She laughed even harder upon remembering the reference Kelly made to Mordin. Something about an excited hamster on coffee._

"_Now Shepard," Liara chastised her._

"_Sorry, I guess I am in a playful mood today." She smiled._

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"Commander, we've arrived and I've prepared the Kodiak for your departure." EDI announced over the intercom system. Shepard merely grunted in acknowledgement, not able to do much more as the clutches of sleep still had a firm grasp on her. She dozed, not wanting to face the reality the waking world had in store for her. She summarized that her dream of past events was yet another defense. She knew exactly what she was walking into and it was her mind's way of preparing her for it. For the first time however, she felt like her defenses failed in that regard as feelings of hurt bubbled to the surface. Shepard rolled out of bed and straightened her clothing, making herself presentable. She exited the room and made her way down to engineering. With each step she took towards the Kodiak a sense of dread washed over her more and more.

She stepped into the shuttle and banged on the door signaling the pilot she was ready. The time it took for the shuttle to reach the ship down below seemed extremely short and when Shepard saw that Liara wasn't waiting for her, it cemented the deception all the more. She emerged from the shuttle after its landing and walked into the interior of the ship. After weaving through various corridors and corners, she saw the shadow broker typing away at her console as if nothing was wrong. She took a deep breath to calm herself and mustered the most authority she could in her voice.

"Liara." It didn't come out with the tone she wanted.

The Asari tensed for a moment but continued to type away at her console. She almost acted as if she could will Shepard away if she simply ignored her. She should have known better.

A faint orange glow covered Shepard's arm before she ran her fingers across the hologram that was her omnitool. She then lifted her arm and waved in front of herself, shutting down the screens as she went.

"Liara." She called again, this time a bit louder.

"I know you are…angry with me, Samantha," She lowered her head as she turned away from the console. The same timid behavior that gripped her during their chase of Saren now reemerging.

"Angry? No. Hurt? Yes. Why would you do that, Liara?"

"So that you could find closure. I melded with you Samantha, but I knew it was something that I couldn't give you, even before hand. Bonding with you showed me how much you really needed closure with Miranda."

"You should have told me!" Shepard began to pace.

"Why?" The Asari questioned.

"I wouldn't have been shocked out of my mind and I wouldn't have felt…deceived." Her voice lowered.

"It was necessary, Samantha. You would have never agreed to such a thing under normal circumstances."

"Maybe not, but it still should have been my choice!"

"You're right, it should have been your choice but I don't regret doing it." Liara's voice became firm.

"I know that you were only trying to help, Liara. Maybe that's why I can't really be angry with you."

"Seeing her again proved to be beneficial to you as your smile clearly confirmed."

Liara's expression darkened and so did the commander's as the implications of Liara's words sunk in. The Asari hissed and cursed herself for her slip.

Shepard's eyes grew in realization and the anger she had been able to put off blazed a trail to the forefront of her mind.

"YOU WATCHED US?"

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AN: BAD CLOUDEDWATER! BAD! Sorry! I did not mean to leave this on a cliff hanger but I felt that if I kept going I wouldn't have anything left for the last chapter. I am sorry this chapter took so long. School raped me and left me so exhausted, not to mention frustrated. Btw I still haven't decided who will win and the last chapter is coming. *flails*I was also distracted by Mass Effect 3. Speaking of Me3

If you have not finished ME3 DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER! Also there will be lots of cursing!

WTF BIOWARE? That was the most unsatisfying, ridiculous, plot hole ridden piece of shit I've ever seen before in my life! I am going to say something that might piss some people off but *shrugs* if you enjoyed those "endings" then you are NOT a mass effect fan. You obviously have no emotional attachment to the universe or the characters in it. If you merely want a good third person shooter/shooter in general, gears of war and call of duty are that way! I have watched all of the chaos from the ending. The retakemasseffect campaign to the childsplay donations. Etc etc. I'm sorry but seeing my FAVORITE universe go down in flames due to artistic integrity makes me angry. Casey and Mac can take "Artistic integrity" and shove it up their ass sideways! If your LI is Liara, go read "There's time" by Aidensky. That is officially my head-cannon. And btw yes I know about the "Extended cut" which is supposed to clarify the endings. HELLO! YOU CANNOT CLARIFY SOMETHING THAT ATROCIOUS! That's like instead of cleaning up your shit you're going to explain why it stinks.

Good. Gawd.


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